How are you feeling today?

[teresa]

Sorry to hear you're going through this lean.....
I'm wondering if the holiday season has anything to do with some of this, it seems to be going around a lot lately with several members...... You're not alone... ( if you get a chance, read through some of the recent posts by ddg and numenal.... )
Hang in there.....


hugs,


t

[Conrad]

Hi again,
I am feeling pushed away, distant, unloved, unwanted, and misunderstood by my husband. This attachment stuff is so difficult. He is feeling like I have hurt him(he calls them beatings) over the years. He cannot say he loves me. He sometimes cannot even stand it if I put my hand on him.  I am trying to be strong and get through this. I believe he has a lot of anger towards his real mom and I may be getting some of it.  He does not feel he is depressed, but our counselor believes he is. We had about three weeks of some hope. He had started St. Johns wort and I feel it helped some. If he is still taking it it does not seem to be working.  He actually felt hope in our relationship about 2 weeks into taking the st. Johns wort. Before that he didn't have any hope for us and could not even try to make things better. I feel he is where he cannot try again.  He is someone that does not like to admit being depressed. Thanks for listening.

Hugs

Lean on God    

Lean,

Has to feel like a broken record.

I want you to think about this.

You know exactly what you are looking for from him and you are (somewhat) cursed by knowing how it will look and feel once you "arrive" at that place.

He likely doesn't know the destination - having never really been there in his life.

How in the world can he be expected to give an assessment of if your relationship can work?

So, don't take him too seriously.  When you're going through what he is going through there WILL BE extensive navel-gazing.  And, for a period of time, your life together will be all about him.

These are hard won lessons.  I wanted to share them with you.

JD

[Peace, Love and Pretzels]

He likely doesn't know the destination - having never really been there in his life.


I am not certain if anyone else realizes how unbelievably core this statement is.  This is entirely what it is about.  Our partners keeping asking us to trust them, to open up to them, to care about them.

Here is what all of those things look like to us:

During our core time that others learn to trust and when we have nobody else except our primary caregivers to turn to we are betrayed.  We may have been not fed, we may have been humiliated, we may have been hit, we may have been 'given away' or not dealt with properly for days at a time - or weeks - or years. 

During our core time that others learn how to open up in a safe and caring environment and when we have nobody else except our primary caregivers to turn to we are crushed like a bug.  We may have been humiliated for what we tried to say, we may have been hit or worse, we may have been emotionally isolated. 

During our core time that others learn how to care about others in a safe and caring environment and when we have nobody else except our primary caregivers to turn to we are stripped naked of our right to be cared for and to care in return - for all to see - past, present and future.  We may have been humiliated, or treated so badly that all we had was our defenses and then jammed emotionally and physically for not behaving 'normally' or respectfully' or in a caring way towards our caregivers - who actually never set an example for us in the first place. 

We have no freaking idea how we feel when you ask us for all of these things, nor do we know what it feels like to be lucky enough to know where to even start.  We think that trust is about defending ourselves.  We think love is conditional.  We think that caring is chaos.  We think safe is inside us when really it is nowhere. 

We need you to lead us.  But WE need to understand that we need to be led, first of all.  Then the path can be cleared to a degree.  Without both sides understanding that there is a problem, it is an effort in futility. 

Hugs

Andi

[Conrad]

Andi,

That very concept hit me like a Mack truck.

I will never look at things the same way again.

JD

[Peace, Love and Pretzels]

John, you have gathered insight that very few outside of the RAD cool kids have.  I would be incredibly interested along the way to learn what you choose to do with that newfound knowledge and whether it helps you or not. 

You have worked hard to get where you are.  That is to be admired and respected.

[chris]

Andi
while it totally blows to look at things that way... its totally true. getting people to understand what you gust stated is not an easy task. iv recently been realizing how many gaps there are in my whole emotional and relationship department. i understand why there are gaps, but it doesn't put information in the spaces where the blanks exist. as intelligent as people alleged i am, i dont get it.

[Peace, Love and Pretzels]

Chris, I am learning that my gaps exist because I am unable to properly assign emotions to events.  For instance, rather than understanding that I am in a fear state, instead it acts out as stutter breathing, or fainting spells.  Because fear is a PTSD trigger event, my higher brain doesn't process it.  Therefore my intellect cannot manage it. 

I was just thinking before I saw this post about what my doctor said to me when we spoke about how I was able to cope so long without recognizing these now obvious issues.  "it is obvious to me that you very smart.  I believe that you used your intellect to manage and compensate for your deficiency due to your PTSD issues'  I thought about that on the way home.  First, I feel like I am dumb as a stump and no amount of anything that anyone can say will make me feel otherwise and second, any small amount of intellect that I thought I once had completely left me when the ex stuff started happening.  I kept saying to people that I was 'dumbed down'.  Clearly if I was using intellect to manage and my intellect disappear due to the 'reptilian brain' process that takes palce when one is triggered into a ptsd episode, then I have no resolution.  I am stuck there.  Higher brain can't process and therefore, I am caught like a deer in the headlights.  In reptilian brain mode with no chance of respite.  Not until someone else can help me sort it through. 

Not sure if that makes any sense to anyone, but I beleive that is the way it is working with me. 

Hugs and hope you are well

Andi
 

[Conrad]

Andi,

The whole concept of the intellectual, emotional, and "primitive" brains being separate makes perfect sense to me.

Hooking them back up properly is tricky stuff.

If EMDR won't help, it's a longer road.

JD

[chris]

Andi,

The whole concept of the intellectual, emotional, and "primitive" brains being separate makes perfect sense to me.

Hooking them back up properly is tricky stuff.

If EMDR won't help, it's a longer road.

JD

what is EMDR?
Andi i guess it makes sence.. not sure.

[Miele]

Today was a very positive one. I went Xmas shopping. Going out is hard. Actually very hard. But I did it. Wow mw !!:)

all good. Then I get wind of something that has shaken me. Creeped me out something badly. Really rocked me. It nothing to do with any if you guys just in case any of you thunk that.  I don't know where else to voice this. It really really has me freaked. Of course I don't know if it would freak another person. But. It's made me feel physically sick. And uneasy. And scared.  Questioning how I got myself into this. And how the he'll I get myself out if it. I wish I had taken heed of someones advice a few weeks ago.

I need to protect myself and my ability to keep safe.  The very fact that I can't write that here is making me worry. ( again not because of any of the members here. But the fact that anyone can read what I have written. )

 

[ddg]

Hey darlin'

Glad you had a good day before it all started, hold onto that. Hindsight is always 20/20 so don't beat yourself up about that.

Hang in there. We are here.

[Miele]

Thank you ddg.
Appreciate it. I can't have anyone causing me this pain right now I am marching right in to being healed damn anyone that wants to wreck that for me. Cos I won't let them.

[ddg]

You go girl!!! You f***ing GO!!! Great to hear fighting talk.

love and hugs

[Conrad]

Andi,

The whole concept of the intellectual, emotional, and "primitive" brains being separate makes perfect sense to me.

Hooking them back up properly is tricky stuff.

If EMDR won't help, it's a longer road.

JD

what is EMDR?
Andi i guess it makes sence.. not sure.

Chris,

We're actually discussing it in another thread.

If you need a link, let me know.

JD

[Peace, Love and Pretzels]

EFT, TFT as well are tools used in reintegration.