What food represents

[Kirsty]

Ive kind of had some revalations lately about my problems with food and I thought I'd share them as others may relate to someof this.

I think we all know that food is much more than nourishment. Most disproportionate eating - whether not eating enough or compulsive eating has emotional links.  I've battled with bulimia for years .. at least I say battled, its been my emotional dustbin, I react to stress, anger, fear ... when I am on my own with a binge, then worrying about getting overweight, feeling disgusted with myself and sticking my fingers down my throat to get rid of it. My weight has yo yo'd over the years to being very overweight to being thin, again; sometimes I crash diet and loose it all and the purging aspect of when I lapse into overeating again gets worse .. but in short - food has always been an issue for me since a child.

I wake up in the morning thinking 'what can I eat', its comfort and most days, I eat too much.  I was talking a lot about why I want to eat all the time in therapy and I thought I'd share this as I know my reasons for food addiction (and it is an addiction) are probably very similar to others. 

We identified that I spend long periods feeling 'dead' ... switched off, in fuctionting (friendly/superficial) mode. Food is something that enables me to feel, its plesant, comfoting, has a nice taste, its something real when I have anaesthetised all my other feelings.

Its 'love'. Putting someting inside me that wont go away, I can keep 'feeding' my emotional need. I can always get food, its always there and available and wont let me down

I have always had control of the purging aspect but not the need to binge or the preoccupation with food - my eating is out of control most of the time and I know I am eating not because of hunger but because it feels nice and its like an addiction.

I dont know if getting to the root of this and having some understanding of whats happening will help me gain some control - but it was nice to understand whats going on inside me as I have struggled to make sense of my relationship with food.  Food is so much more than just nourishment to many of us.. one of the first physical experiences we have is of being fed .. and what may have gone with that - being held, eye contact..."mothering" .. its about emptiness and need and filling up.. I suppose its no wonder that it then stays with us as something very close to our emotions..

[topo_piccolo]

Often for me, food represents a treat I can give to myself. 

Here I go, about my mother again - but so often, she would limit my consumption of virtually anything I liked, and force me to eat stuff I absolutely HATED. So now, as a grown-up, I feel the little kid inside me saying, "I'll have more of that, thank you, and NONE of THAT!"  Sweets, especially, are my downfall.  I sometimes think I eat them just because I CAN.

My grandmother, who lived with us, firmly believed that a good dessert was an essential part of a balanced meal, and oh my - could that lady COOK!  Home-made cakes and pies often ended meals at our house.  And my mother was right there to make sure than I only got a tiny piece of whatever, or sometimes none at all because I had refused to eat my spinach or broccoli.

I dearly love candy like Junior Mints or Milk Duds - but I've gotten so I don't dare buy them because I can eat a huge box of them at a single sitting.  Sometimes a "sugar glut" like that will give me a migraine.  I guess that makes me a sugar-holic; I can't eat "just one."

[betty]

I wish that eating disorders were treated more seriously as illness in our society but sometimes I think that the over consumption, i.e., use of food as replacement for emotional well being, is something encouraged by corporate power or consumer ethics.  While obesity in adults and children is basically an epidemic, and literally destroys peoples lives, it's hush-hushed... food is addictive, esp. kinds that have no nutritive value, and all the overconsumption of it does for anyone is make the producers wealthy.  I realized how sick it was when I walked into a walmart once and saw something like a 24 pack of twinkies on sale for $2.  I wondered how they could afford to give food away like that, and my son (who was about 13) explained it, that such food creates fat, which demands more food, and maintains a cycle of overconsumption, so giveaways like that get people hooked and craving more, and help to keep them in chains. 

Not that we dont' have individual responsibility for our unique eating challenges, but, I think it's important to note that our society is and has not encouraged us to treat ourselves well in this respect.  It's a corporate blue meanie, i believe.   I think binge eating and purging may be tied into it somehow.  It's a matter of people being sold on the lie that if they consume a large quantity of something they are somehow going to be ok, or better. 

My problem is with starches, more than sugars.  If I bring a box of cheeze-its in the house it has a life span of about 45 mintues, and no more, I literally can't stop eating them until they're all gone, same with potato chips, then I feel sick and stuffed afterwards, so I avoid them like the enemy when I shop.  It's a habit like anything else, it takes 21 days to fix, so it's really just a matter of laying down the law and going against your longings for 21 days and the next thing you know you are eating raw vegetables and drinking green teas as if those are the best things in the world.  It is time for me to go through another habit revolution, though.  I have slipped, in general.

[Kirsty]

.. yes I do think there is a biological component as well as the emotional side. I tried the Atkins Diet once and whilst I dont think its healthy to block carbs out totally .. i did find oddly enough that my appetite did diminish an awful lot .. although I felt quite queasy on it too!

They do say that the three demons are whilte flour, sugar and saturated fats .. and if you cut these out of your diet or virtually .. then food cravings diminish too. I'm a chocoholic though so havent managed to do this yet 

I largely agree with you Betty about the ethics around food advertising and sales

[Peace, Love and Pretzels]

Here is Canada we have Tim Hortons.  They are everywhere.  Other coffee places (drive through) are around but never with the lineups Timmie's has.  I have sworn for ages that they have something in the coffee because the lineups are at times 1/2 hour long!  With a coffee shop right beside that has no lineup!  That isn't just taste.  I also notice that while I drink Timmie's during the day, my craving for food NEVER goes away that day.  I am always wanting something.  I do my best to keep away from anything prepackaged anymore.  I am not sure what they put in it - but it has to be something.  Also, we have Mr. Sub.  A 12 inch bun, with 3 inches of meats and toppings and I am still hungry after I finish one of those.  What is that all about?  My ex would make me a sub and I would be full on 3 inches of one.  Makes you go hmmmm....

Andi

[topo_piccolo]

I think for my husband, food represents safety, somehow. 

He used to get almost panicky back when our sons were teenagers (aka "ambulatory appetites") living at home.  It was like he was afraid that with all they ate, there wouldn't be "enough" for the rest of us.  I have asked if there were sometimes problems getting "enough" when he was a child, but he claims he does not remember.

Now, with the stress of finishing up his degree and our RAD daughter moving back home, he is almost frantic with the need to keep eating.  I'll put a light but balanced meal on the table - say, vegetable soup, and maybe a grilled cheese or chicken salad sandwich, and some fruit.  It's more than enough for me, but invariably, he wants MORE.  He keeps asking for other things - crackers, garlic toast, olives, pickles, pretzels, anything he can think of.  And then he is disgusted with himself for having eaten so much.

But just try to slow him down while he is doing the eating. . .he gets extremely angry. I know I am dealing with a mixture of food addiction and severe stress, so I try to be patient.  But he is more than 100 pounds overweight now.  Add that to the horrific stress and it seems like just asking for a health disaster of one sort or another. 

I don't have the heart to nag at him about his eating until the current stresses calm down a bit.

I don't have any right to be critical.  I had him take the leftover Halloween candy to work because otherwise, with my sweet tooth, I would have used THAT as MY drug of choice.  And there was a LOT of it left over.

Sigh.

[Peace, Love and Pretzels]

Food to me I think represents control over myself.  When I was a teenager, right before I moved out of my mother and father's house I lost weight (okay, okay, I was anorexic).  I am about 5'9 and in the end I ended up weighing approximately 90 lbs.  When I moved out of my first husbands and my house I went down to just over 100 lbs.  This time around, because of the post trauma I think - or maybe it has just taken on a new facet for me - I am overweight.  Previous times I was energized and would work myself physically like crazy.  Now I don't have that energy.  I recognize the feeling - the feeling of lack of control - but now I am trying to feed the 'unergized' feelings that I have by eating foods that energize me when I feel sapped (which is alot).  Problem is though, it doesn't matter what I eat right now - even though I am trying to control my energy levels with it - my energy levels are horrible.  I am trying to make me feel better by eating crap.  All bad.  I feel like crap regardless of what I eat.  If I eat well I still feel like crap - it just takes me longer to feel 'fulfilled' when I eat better.  So why not stuff in the stuff that makes me feel good RIGHT NOW. 

I am hopeless.

[Lucy]

topo,

It is entirely possible that you're hubby's food "hoarding" does go back to his childhood. Even though he denies having any memories of going hungry as a child, that doesn't mean it didn't happen. It could be that he has just blocked it out of his memory, but it is still in his subconscious. Or, it could be that he is making up for the feeling that something else is missing...it might not have anything to do with food at all. From the research I've done on children (there's not a lot of research on adults) with RAD, there is a prevalance of food hoarding. This can manifest itself in different ways as well. One way is, as your hubby is demonstrating, feeling a non-stop hunger and eating like there may not be any food there tomorrow. Another way (which I tend to lean toward) is over-buying and stashing food. I waste SOOO much money buying food that I never eat. This also plays into my OCD, but I have to arrange the food in my pantry in date-expiration order and remind myself to eat stuff before it expires. I tend to go in streaks, where I will buy and buy and buy, until my pantry is stuffed full. But then it takes me forever to eat the things I bought because, once I have it home and in my pantry, I don't want to eat it. It looks so good in the store, but not once it's on my shelf. A lot of times I will give it away when it's close to expiring because I just can't bring myself to eat it. I try to resist buying anything perishable (refrigerated) because, the day I buy it, I want to eat every single thing I bought. By the next day, I have no interest in it whatsoever, and I usually end up throwing it out.

The best suggestion that I would have for you, Topo, is to try keeping "zero-calorie" foods readily available. If you don't know what these foods are, just Google them...there are lists all over the internet. If you have a lot of zero-calorie foods available, it won't be as dangerous if your hubby goes overboard. They will fill him up, but the calories he's consuming are less than the calories that it takes to eat them. Obviously, if he doesn't like them, he's not going to eat them...but there are tons of them out there. I would try to determine which ones he does like, and make sure to keep them on hand. That way, you can sort of trick him into eating less calories, even though his actually consuming as much (if not more) volume.

Andi! You are SOOOOO not hopeless! You may be in a rut right now, but that doesn't mean you always will be! You've been through A LOT of stress/trauma/drama etc. recently. Your body is going to react to that, and everyone reacts differently. You didn't say how much you are overweight, but I doubt that you are in worse health now than when you weighed less than 100 pounds. When you get that tiny, your body actually reacts by "eating itself", and it can kill you. I used to weigh close to 350 pounds. Now THAT is unhealthy! I'm down to abou 220#, which is still classified as obese. But, in relation to where I used to be, I am THRILLED to weigh 220#. I obviously want to continue losing, but even if I don't, I'm still in such a better place than I used to be. You are stressed...and from the way it sounds, most likely depressed as well. You are a fighter, however, and you WILL get through it. The whole weight thing is like a HUGE snowball. You get stressed so you eat so you gain weight so you don't want to exercise so you gain weight so you get stressed so you eat....etc etc etc. You just have to break ONE of those links in the chain, and you can turn that around. Best of luck to you! :-)

[topo_piccolo]

Thanks, Lucy, for taking the time to explain about "zero-calorie" foods and how to find them.  I will have to try this. 

I don't have any desire to be a widow but my husband's eating is WAAAAY out of control and he seems helpless to do anything about it. Guess it's up to me now.

[mo]

How did I miss this thread?  Wow.  I've never known anyone else that does the same kind of food hoarding that Lucy was writing about.  My pantry is jammed full of stuff I won't eat.  There is only myself and my 9 yr old son.  Do I really need to have 6 boxes of cereal, 9 boxes of macaroni and cheese, three graham cracker pie crusts (who knows how old they are), and 12 cans of soup?  I also end up throwing perishables away.  The produce looks so good in the store but once I get it home, it's like poison.  I feed my son PBJ sandwiches and frozen chicken nuggets.  Hardly ever cook.  It is so crazy.  My cupboard should be basically empty. 

I would love to find some motivation to give up the white flour, sugar and fats.  Detox even just for a month and see how it feels.  I had gallbladder issues earlier this year and went on a no fat diet until I could have surgery.  The weight just dropped off.  I did feel a little better, but was still eating the white stuff. 

[teresa]

Hi All...

Among some other things, I hoard food too.... I haven't been able to pinpoint why. I'm not like the 'hoarders' you see on tv but I do buy things I don't need and won't use them... I try to give away packaged and canned goods before they expire.  I throw out a lot of produce...
I have been working on this and it's gotten a little better but I need a lot more work.  I used to buy back-ups for my back-ups but have gotten to the comfort point where I only buy one back-up for things we use all the time, like condiments.   
I think my issue is like topo's husband's... I'm afraid I'm going to run out of food or not have enough....I will hide things that I don't want to share because I can't control how much someone else eats of it.
My daughter moved out two months ago and my husband and I thought my grocery shopping would go way down, but it hasn't...
I am trying to get to the point where I use what I already have and not buy more but it's not working out well....

I also hoard make-up and personal care items and clothes... I am proud to say though that I have drastically reduced my stash by giving away over two thirds of what I had to friends and family.  I forced myself to pass things along and let go of them. It wasn't easy....

For me, I think I developed my hoarding after I met my husband and became financially stable.  I never had to worry about food or personal care products until the three years prior to meeting my husband, when I was with my youngest daughter's father and after leaving him.  While I was with him, he didn't work... We didn't have good health insurance and never had money for extras like clothes or luxuries like personal care items beyond soap and shampoo... When I left him and had to support two daughters on my own, funds were even tighter...
It was years before I could enjoy things that I had always taken for granted.  I guess I want to make sure that if I ever get really poor again, I'll have enough of my favorite things stashed away that I won't have to go without...... I recently became aware that I'd never use all of the stuff I've hoarded in my lifetime and that I knew other girls or women who could use or would like some of the stuff I had.

I have a serious weight problem that also began after the birth of my last daughter... I've tried to think of everything that is preventing me from maintaining a healthy weight and can't come up with a specific reason.  I know I've had a lot of stress over the past several years but a lot of it has gone away and I still can't get a grip or control my food intake.
I'm in therapy and have tried talking to my therapist about this but she didn't seem to have any thoughts on it or push me to probe deeper...       
Anyhow, hang in there Mo, I'm right there with you.....


hugs,

t

[ddg]

I'm sorry for what you are going through t.

I think to an extent we all hoard, I know I have problems with throwing things away but I hate 'Stuff'. I also live in a very small place so I need to keep the levels of clutter down. I used to move a lot which helped but I've been here for almost 8 years- it's been my only real home.

As for food- whenever we visit my brother, the first thing my husband ( and close friend of my brother's- they lived together for a few months before he came here) does is to clean out the fridge- it always contains things from our last visit. The last time I was in the US I read a magazine which said to label when you froze something because people forget that freezing does not mean it will last forever. I know this is different form hoarding but I also feel it is almost the flip side of the same coin.

Anyways- thinking of you as always.

c

[teresa]

Thanks Cel......

[chris]

sory t we love ya.
lucy
i think food consuption and hording can actually go back to when a child is in the woom. my dayghter tells me i didnt feed her enouf when she was in my stomach. you no what . i didnt. she will hord food in her room and she eats for comfort and boardum. i just signed her up for a month at a juy and she lost 2 pounds in one week. i of cours lost nothing at all. she is really overweight and her father will let her have 10.00 in candy so he can complaine about her waight later. such an ass. any way i dont fall in either group. im in the middle but not diagnosable because i have been told i dont no any better. i grew up not being fed right so i think its normal... thats actually right. i can understand it.

[fervent]

Ive kind of had some revalations lately about my problems with food and I thought I'd share them as others may relate to someof this.

I think we all know that food is much more than nourishment. Most disproportionate eating - whether not eating enough or compulsive eating has emotional links.  I've battled with bulimia for years .. at least I say battled, its been my emotional dustbin, I react to stress, anger, fear ... when I am on my own with a binge, then worrying about getting overweight, feeling disgusted with myself and sticking my fingers down my throat to get rid of it. My weight has yo yo'd over the years to being very overweight to being thin, again; sometimes I crash diet and loose it all and the purging aspect of when I lapse into overeating again gets worse .. but in short - food has always been an issue for me since a child.

I wake up in the morning thinking 'what can I eat', its comfort and most days, I eat too much.  I was talking a lot about why I want to eat all the time in therapy and I thought I'd share this as I know my reasons for food addiction (and it is an addiction) are probably very similar to others. 

We identified that I spend long periods feeling 'dead' ... switched off, in fuctionting (friendly/superficial) mode. Food is something that enables me to feel, its plesant, comfoting, has a nice taste, its something real when I have anaesthetised all my other feelings.

Its 'love'. Putting someting inside me that wont go away, I can keep 'feeding' my emotional need. I can always get food, its always there and available and wont let me down

I have always had control of the purging aspect but not the need to binge or the preoccupation with food - my eating is out of control most of the time and I know I am eating not because of hunger but because it feels nice and its like an addiction.

I dont know if getting to the root of this and having some understanding of whats happening will help me gain some control - but it was nice to understand whats going on inside me as I have struggled to make sense of my relationship with food.  Food is so much more than just nourishment to many of us.. one of the first physical experiences we have is of being fed .. and what may have gone with that - being held, eye contact..."mothering" .. its about emptiness and need and filling up.. I suppose its no wonder that it then stays with us as something very close to our emotions..

I am so sorry of you!! I can't feel your pain because I have never had such problems...But I realy want you to be in harmony with your organism. Good luck!