It has ruined my relationship....How do I fix this?

[Kml_3824]

Hello, everyone...
I'm new to this site; after reading many, many posts that I really strongly identified with, I decided to join. I know I have ambivalent AD from a childhood incident after my parents got divorced. My father (whom i was very close with before the divorce) got bitter about the divorce and took it out on my sister and I ( I was 2, 3 yrs old; my sister was too young to even remember, so this hasn't really affected her the same way it did me) by playing mind-games and pretty much abandoning us for a year...  He would call and say he was coming to get us for the weekend, I'd pack all my stuff and be sitting in the doorway for hours upon hours waiting for him until my mom just had to break the news that yet again, he wasn't coming. He did this for a year straight, and then continued to occasionally do it even after we reunited with him... Basically, it messed me up. I have a hard time trusting people, especially guys...

So fast forward to now, after I have spent a year and a half with this guy that I'm very, very in love with and want to spend my life with. I am 21 years old, he is 22; we are both mature for our ages and were both very serious about this relationship. But 3 days ago, he broke up with me. It was my fault.... We went to college together, spent almost all of our time together in the first year of our relationship, lived together over the summer, etc. except for this semester, when I had to go back to college and he graduated and moved home, 2 hours away. I didn't find this easy to deal with, and he tried to be comforting and understanding about it. I would get upset when he had to make the slightest change in plans that took away some of our weekend time together. I couldn't handle being apart for more than 5 or 6 days at a time (when i would see him for 3, 4 days straight!) without feeling depressed or having thoughts of "maybe this relationship isn't worth it...just over this anxiety!!)  Many, many times I would get overly upset and angry over things I shouldn't have, and this drove him away gradually.... I knew it was happening, which only made me cling tighter to him and made it worse when he had to leave. I would literally hate being at school and cry on his chest when he had to go back home... like a 2 year old crying to her mother not to leave her at daycare. it was ridiculous. I guess I was subconsciously afraid of losing him--I would get jealous when he said he was hanging out with friends at home, I guess because I was afraid he was having more fun with me than them and he would ditch our plans to be with them someday? I'm not sure. But for the most part he understood...until 3 days ago when we had a series of fights and he just said that he couldn't handle the way I was anymore, the overreacting, being angry and upset over such petty things all the time, how he felt like a horrible boyfriend.... we are not talking now that much as he "doesn't know what will happen in the future," whether we will get back together or not after we have both had time...  I don't know how to fix myself, though. I don't want to be this way. I have gone to counselors as a child and it never really helped much. I don't have the time schedule now to see one as I'm student teaching 5 days a week for a long time... I'm just overwhelmed and feel hopeless that I'll never get over this...
Can anyone help? Is there any self-help methods I can try--any exercises or anything? I would appreciate it more than you can even understand....

Thank you!

[Conrad]

Have you had any therapy?

JD

[teresa]

Hi kml, welcome to the forum ....


Since it seems like therapy is out of the question for now, I would say the first thing you need to do is to take a deep breath and try and relax... This isn't a quick fix type of problem...
There are many good books out there.  I would check out the books and articles section on the home page...
If this relationship with your boyfriend ends don't blame yourself.  It's not his fault either.  He's telling you he's not capable of handling what you're going through...The 'right' man for you would help you work through your issues hon, not abandon you.... his behavior is triggering you.  That's why you're hyperventilating and want everything fixed today...it's not going to happen.
Take from it what you already have... an awareness that you have some relationship issues that you can work on.  Feel fortunate to be so young and very aware of your reactions to his behavior.  That's half the battle...... 
I'm sure none of this is what you wanted to hear and I am sorry you're going through this... I've been there...  That panicky feeling is the worst feeling....
Hang in there.......


hugs,

t

[Peace, Love and Pretzels]

Hi kml;  I agree with t, there is no quick fix.  I also really agree with what she says about your boyfriend sticking by you even with those issues.  Nobody should be slinging stones at each other.  Relationships are all about forgiving one anothers imperfections (and we all have them).  Never forget that and never accept anything less as we with RAD tend to accept many behaviours from others just to gain acceptance.  All bad.

I am not sure that all is lost though.  I wonder if you put across to your boyfriend that you believe you know why your reactions were the way they were, and perhaps even show him this posting or write a letter to him trying to explain if perhaps it might make him feel more secure in the fact that there is a reason you are reacting this way.  I know for myself, that when people understand my reactions to triggers that they find it much more comforting and tend to be able to get their heads around it in a sympathetic way. 

Here are some things to be grateful for.  You are young which means that you can deal with these issues in a very powerful way.  Most of us here didn't find out until we were 40's or so and by then we had had a whole heck of a lot of experiences that just ingrained our behaviours in us.  An awareness that your reactions are dictated by past hurts is a very powerful thing.  If you choose to go down the path of healing and self awareness it will make you nothing but a better, stronger, more compassionate person. 

I wish you all the best kml and hope to see you posting here. 

Hugs

Andi

[chris]

hi
got to agree with t on this one. im sorry u r having a hard time but i no u will get threw this. im an AD'er and a bunch of other things. i never benefited from therapy they just compounded the issues so dont feel bad about it or that u have to go to counseling. i dont have a boy friend, but i get pretty clingy to one of my sergeant dads. i go threw weird things sometime, likely because i suppress all sorts of stuff that bothers me and then it kind of sneaks up on me. all i want is my dad at these times. even when i have him and can lay on him its never close enough and i feel like out of control sort of. (dont no that's the right word) i no sometimes i get really upset and ask him not to leave. dont really no what im thinking about but need to no he is there and dont no why. my sergeant dads r all married w/ real kids of there own and could get into trouble if there wives no they where with me. (dont really understand the concept ) while my dad has never spent the whole night with me when im having issues he has told me he wouldn't go anywhere and he would stay with me all night if he had to. i believe him and think if i really needed him to stay with me he would. for some reason he cares about me.
did u ever apologize 2 ur boyfriend for your behavior.
does he know u dont mean to be the way u r.
would he tell you that u r doing the ad thing while u r doing it so u could see what u r doing and curb things then.
does he know anything about AD and have u asked for his help in informing u of what u r doing.

i dont no that ur relationship is over for ever or not, only time will tell. sometimes people just need space. the distance thing appears to be hindering the relationship not u. if it doesn't work out learn from u r mistakes and change things with the next person.
i wish u the best of luck and hope u c this as a new beginning.

[Kml_3824]

Thank you all for your responses...I can't tell you how much I appreciate your insight. 
I took your advice, Andi, and wrote him a letter...my mom also suggested that I do that.
It was very, very hard for me to write...I was weeping the entire hour I was writing it. But I explained everything about how I know why I act the way I do, and I apologized for never really doing anything about it. I would just take it out on him like it was his fault, and that was very wrong of me. I should've realized sooner that we needed to work together to fix something like this, as well as me taking steps individually to help myself, but I didn't. I sincerely apologized for everything I had done to hurt him and for being so unreasonable and selfish at times. And I also told him how much I loved him and wanted to change for the better, that I wanted to improve myself so I could be in a healthy relationship.

I poured my heart and soul into it and promised how I would seek help for the things that were affecting me in so many negative ways. And I also told him that I felt this as a new beginning, like Chris said... that I wanted to fix everything, learn from things, and start over in a new way. In time, of course. But right now...he's not talking to me. He hasn't read the letter yet, as he's not "ready to." I know that he himself is really depressed and is afraid of getting hurt again so he's putting up a wall between us. He told me he loves me but really doesn't see us being able to work, and is like 90% sure it won't work again and he thinks we need time apart, even though he loves me still...  But he hasn't read my letter yet. I don't know. I feel so helpless... I really do feel like I treated him badly and I can understand his pain and his fears. But I want to change, I want us to be able to start over...and it is killing me not knowing if that is possible. I feel like I'm getting mixed signals from him. I'm just trying to make myself a better person in the meantime..maybe down the road I will have a chance to prove to him that I can change and take control of my feelings.  :-(    I'm so broken.

[chris]

KML
its probably going to suck for a while..i think it is the whole love and loss thing. it sounds like u no what the issue is and u honestly want to work on it. I've no doubt in the future u will no make the mistakes again. u have done all u can do for now. he has the letter and will read it in his own time. what ever happens it wasn't just your fault. u understand what the problem is and if he truly loves u he will understand 2.
dont no if u ever spoke to him regarding ur behavior toward different things he knows u didn't mean it. if no..u no what to do the next time.
good luck.

[ddg]

KML,

You are still so young. I know you are probably tired of hearing that but from someone who has been round the block a 'few' times- it will get better.

Chris is right- he has the letter. T is right- the 'right' one would hang on and fight with you. I'm not saying there is no hope. You have to give him space to come back to you.

I think the best thing is for you to work on yourself. You have already realized that this is something that needs to be done regardless and the best way to 'prove' to him that you are serious is to go out there and do it. Leave him alone- I know it hurts like a knife- I know a knife would probably actually hut less now- but leave him be and concentrate on the most important person here- you.

Even if it does not work out with him- it is the best gift you can give yourself.

If you cannot get therapy then read as much as you can- on-line or in books. This has helped me enormously.

You are not broken- I thought I was too-

You will get better- not tomorrow - but you will.

hugs

We are here

[Peace, Love and Pretzels]

Sweetie, we are all broken in our own special ways.  That is something that will come to you in time.  This is not 'your fault'.  You didn't cause this.  You don't need to be better for anyone except yourself.  You have done your best to contact your love and let him know that you are sorry, but I can't believe that he couldn't be writing his own 'I am sorry letter' based on his actions as well within the relationship.  We all could, for all our relationships past and present. 

With AD we many times take responsibility for things more than we should.  You will learn that if you pursue further knowledge on it.  You will start to understand certain reactions of yours and that understanding will lead to working on those reactions or acceptance of them.  Then you will love yourself and realize that we are all flawed - not just you.  You are not evil, you are not bad.  You are working on understanding yourself and that takes a whole lot of strength.  I love that in people.  Keep up the good work but don't bash yourself around in the process.  It is all about getting to loving yourself.

Big Huge Motherly Hugs


Andi

[Conrad]

Thank you all for your responses...I can't tell you how much I appreciate your insight. 
I took your advice, Andi, and wrote him a letter...my mom also suggested that I do that.
It was very, very hard for me to write...I was weeping the entire hour I was writing it. But I explained everything about how I know why I act the way I do, and I apologized for never really doing anything about it. I would just take it out on him like it was his fault, and that was very wrong of me. I should've realized sooner that we needed to work together to fix something like this, as well as me taking steps individually to help myself, but I didn't. I sincerely apologized for everything I had done to hurt him and for being so unreasonable and selfish at times. And I also told him how much I loved him and wanted to change for the better, that I wanted to improve myself so I could be in a healthy relationship.

I poured my heart and soul into it and promised how I would seek help for the things that were affecting me in so many negative ways. And I also told him that I felt this as a new beginning, like Chris said... that I wanted to fix everything, learn from things, and start over in a new way. In time, of course. But right now...he's not talking to me. He hasn't read the letter yet, as he's not "ready to." I know that he himself is really depressed and is afraid of getting hurt again so he's putting up a wall between us. He told me he loves me but really doesn't see us being able to work, and is like 90% sure it won't work again and he thinks we need time apart, even though he loves me still...  But he hasn't read my letter yet. I don't know. I feel so helpless... I really do feel like I treated him badly and I can understand his pain and his fears. But I want to change, I want us to be able to start over...and it is killing me not knowing if that is possible. I feel like I'm getting mixed signals from him. I'm just trying to make myself a better person in the meantime..maybe down the road I will have a chance to prove to him that I can change and take control of my feelings.  :-(    I'm so broken.

KML,

It sounds just like the lyrics to this song:

Please Don't Leave Me lyrics

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da, da da
Da da da, da da

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time I've kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
Da da da, da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
But my heart is broken
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Da da da, da da

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise
Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me
Oh please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry
Da da da, da da

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da, da da
Please, please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)

Baby please don't leave me
(Da da da, da da)
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no

You say I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back
It's gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Baby, please, please don't leave me

[ddg]

Jd

Listened to that song a million times already.

[Conrad]

Jd

Listened to that song a million times already.

Has to make many of us feel less alone.

JD

[Peace, Love and Pretzels]

I have listened to it too.  Many, many times.  It so tells of what this is. 

I used to call it stroke/smack.   

[ddg]

Currently on repeat on the old iPod:


Pink - I Don't Believe You

I don’t mind it
I don’t mind at all
It’s like you’re the swing set
And I’m the kid that falls
It’s like the way we fight
The times I cry
We come to blows
And every night
The passion’s there
So it’s gotta be right
Right?

Refrain:

No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend to
Not love me at all

I don’t mind it
I still don’t mind at all
It’s like
one of those bad dreams
When you can’t wake up
Looks like
you’ve given up
You’ve had enough
But I want more
No I won´t stop
'Cause I just know
You’ll come around
Right?

Refrain:

No, I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend to
Not love me at all

Just don’t stand there and watch me fall
'Cause I, 'cause I still don’t mind at all

It’s like
the way we fight
The times I cry
We come to blows
And every night
The passion's there
So it’s got to be right,
Right?

Refrain:

No I don’t believe you
When you say don’t come around here no more
I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend to
Not love me at all

Cause I don’t believe you

[Peace, Love and Pretzels]

beautiful song ddg.  thanks so much.