|
feistymiss
Guest
|
 |
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2010, 01:28:29 pm » |
|
that was nice of everyone to reply, i appreciate this. yes like BPH says, and you too Andi, i think ive gone thro the same, pressures, to conform. when i was a child absorbing it all i couldnt understand and as it got worse and i got older i became more confused which strained when i came across sensibilities and normality. this was thro my childhood to my teens. at that time i had lived and travelled back and forth to South Africa, so i was open to all kinds of interpretation. some of my memories are great, which is lovely, but many are very very confusing to me. mostly when with other people. its as if other people talk a different language to me. so to backtrack a little, my mum pushed me to perform, oh i bet she just loved those potty training days, ok not to go off track, she wanted and she pushed to get a child who was going to be as independent of her as early as possible. in some ways yes i coped with that. i was adequate to a degree, but even then it was as if big chunks were missing. first it started with academically, with moving about, you miss where the rest of your peer group are and i was by this time not the most confident of children but i had a pushy mother. we had already emigrated, leaving family behind, and entering new territory and experience i found school life to be quite harsh, but i think this went across the board, it was a cultural thing as well as the shock of not knowing where you are. we found socially we mixed with other emigrant families and at school there was a lot of competition. i moved about again but must have settled to a degree. and by the time i was 12 i think, i was made head girl of my junior school. this was a great honor for me tho my mum trashed it by stating she was also a head girl so that it was no big deal. and it was around this time my confidence took a nose dive. i also went to live with my auntie who i loved, but then this put me back into extended family influence which was a mixed bag and back to a culture which was my own, but which i had missed out huge chunks on again. i was close to my grandma but my brother who i cherished, who i was close to, no one else bothered with and i have an abiding memory of my grandad walloping my brother, and me being very very distressed by this and trying to get him off. my grandad died shortly in this time frame and i always associate him as a man bullying my brother. a great deal of unhappiness again, when i went back to south africa yet again. my dad hadnt got work, or to the standard they wanted and south africa represented social and financial security. but my mom was not happy this time to go back and this over-rode our security. i was also now 15 and struggling to find a place academically as well as some security in the home. my brother was just entering his teens too and he was always in trouble, running away, fighting, to the extent he was expelled from his school and my mum sent him to boarding school !!! this was a shock for me to have him apart from me.
sorry its all coming out again. anyway, despite trying very hard, with the home life as it was and despite being work capable, we came back to the UK (correction i lived in south africa on my own, my parents and brother went back and it was only when i was ill i came back to UK) and from then, with little connection to others, things were viewed, by me, and possibly of me, as me being weird. there was so much underpinning me all the time
if i had a mother who had been supportive, kind, loving, considerate, things could have been so much more different
and whilst i had gained i had also lost
successive relationships, i have had four, including both my husbands, so im a tryer, thats for sure. but like you say Peace, feeling different is hard to counteract. socially, to my mind, people need a quick fix solution, a short-hand as it were, in order to get in as much in as short a time as possible, so i persevered, in so many ways, but had no time for me that was fun, i didnt connect with others unless it ws thro trauma, chaos or pain and now i should be able to talk about progress/grandchildren/work achievements etc and those are not part of my sphere. im too "cultured" as my therapist said, to do "!basket weaving" and whilst i like to be sociable, i find it hard to understand or relate, even in small bites as it were
i used to go to yoga and swimming but as my confidence plummeted, i became so vulnerable and felt very much "on show" and i couldnt cope with that any more
it makes a lot of difference, to be able to connect, and with others understanding, like Peace and BPh, this really helps
my daugher who has her own mental illness understood as she struggles identically...thats another posting
i dont feel i have things in common with neighbours, or socially as i feel other people are false, or its possible they have to protect themselves too. i can understand others cant make time for me, i dont know if i could have someone on my doorstep or on the phone wanting me and now i find i have a phone on silent, and i dont attend to the door but thats prob my mind racing and trying to fit in. when i first moved i thought "make an effort", smile, approach others, say hello, etc, and generically people dont make that effort now, but it got me nowhere. i was in my home for 6 months on my own, and not one neighbour approached to see if i was coping or had moved in, if i had settled or what
ive added this post not being as negative today, but on a more negative day then i feel as if that brick wall Andi should be on top of me ! your replies really helped and i will hope i can be there for you, when you feel like this
|
