What I am learning from God about a marriage with an AD core

[serenity1953]

 

Simple. 

That is what it feels like.

WE planted a very small garden.Now I see.  That day with love and hope and nurturing.  WE decided how to care for it.
Two weeks later a simple request to find the hose WE planned to use that he had put away in his garage. My physical limitations prohibit my going in to the garage. So now that nurturing of the garden together went out the window. Now I was demanding something from him. That is the core of relationship. When he decides he is safe enough, we can "talk." When he is not, I become the enemy along with his parents (who are dead), every teacher, abusive friend, anyone who he chooses to see as such. Any social organization, many social groups, almost anyone who does not agree with his viewpoint, his words, even his very thoughts. It is almost as if he thinks we know and reject his very thoughts. ( I remember this myself.)

thirty-six years 

At the core of him? Such love, such compassion, such desire to be free, such pain, huge anger. He knows God. He does not trust God. He is angry at God. But he knows him, by his own admission.
How do I know the core of him? Because I am not always the enemy. I am often drawn close. Until something happens (internal - trigger?)  Then bam! Somehow, unknown to me I have become part of the enemy again.
I am grateful at all the Lord has taught me over the last 45 years in his Word. Otherwise  would have become "Absolutely not. "  I love this man. I know who he is inside. Yes, boundaries are so important. I have learned and am continuing to seek God's Word for how to set those boundaries in a way that pleases God. That means I continually learn to have respect in love for my husband. And I continually learn how to hold him accountable to respond to me with love and respect. If he can not or chooses not to, then the boundaries become pretty impenetrable for awhile. I will not be abused; not physically (never developed into a problem), not verbally, not emotionally, and not spiritually.  That would not please God, for me to abuse or to be abused.

Today?      ...but at peace. And still hopeful. I have seen the core of both my husband and the marriage. He knows but chooses not to remember the core of me. I do not think there are too many more surprises. Just things to learn. Will it survive? I have hope. But regardless I have peace.

[chris]

I’m sorry you aren’t able to get your gardening done.

[serenity1953]

Thank you, Chris. I appreciate that. serenity

[serenity1953]

And this is the golden time; choosing a direction for us, and flowing together as we are both able in the same direction. A few bumps on the way, but both of us appreciating the peace, the joy of spending time together and giving each other space as need be. Loving this. And hoping for this openness to remain. I just want to respond and not react. Need to know when what my needs are and communicate them. This is a good time, because he is doing the same. Relief and hope,

[serenity1953]

Tough time. This may not continue as it is. This man is so sweet and compassionate........ and it is for real. Then the triggers hit. Like a different person. I still must respond and not react......... seeing the truth which is so painful. My expectations of "who he will be" are leaving, my problem, not his. My illusions or delusions, whatever. Somehow less dark, like maybe getting to the core for one of us. I seem to have no more need to seek more truth. Loving him is not the problem. Him loving me is not the problem. Our difficulty in seeing and changing the patterns that we seem to need to keep setting up and repeating.... that is the problem!!!  Dealing with the pain of the truth, that is another problem. The consequences may be more than I can live with as I examine my wants vs. needs. I can see several things that are definate needs for me that are not even in his vocabulary let alone something he can think and comprehend at this time. And what D had to say fifteen years ago may be right..... he may never be able to "see" this human need. So I go on and accept as I need to and work on how I get this need met. In a way that is pleasing to God.  The freedom of this truth is very bittersweet.

[wanttohide]

Serenity,

Remember, if you can, it is the Truth, no matter how bittersweet it may be, that sets us free.

[serenity1953]

Thank you, wanttohide.
You are very wise. I relish the freedom as soon as I know it and grieve the loss of what is not, that I thought was truth.  Being disillusioned. Actuallly not so Bad ! Yes, painful, but not awful. I learned several years ago that I prefer truth. Sometimes it is very hard for me to recognize it amid the chaos. So thanks for the reminder. love, serenity

[serenity1953]

The truth is what it is. Flat. no emotion. One of those truths is that this "pattern" is completely UN-fruitful... and it has to go. So ...... we have simply chosen not to answer its call!  Move on, this way is more familiar chaos. Next step please. No emotion. No fear, no uncertainty. Just, we don't want to go there. Next step, please.
Thanks, Lord. You spoke to me early this morning about truth in your word. I had that same experience with you. Yes, hope is present. But not in "working it out." Simply in accepting truth and walking on. No more deviation. Realizing that hope is in the change of course.
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."
I refuse insanity.

[wanttohide]

Dearest Serenity,

I will keep you in my prayers, no matter what you decide. I am in chaos right now too. I have lived that life, all too long, of doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result, only to find at the end of the monochrome of grays to black rainbow, no change at all.

I decided to adventure out and take a much different path, a path that finally lead me to a more colorful rainbow. In fact, I found two rainbows over a wonderful Puget Sound! I found such life there. I had passion for Life, yes with a capitol "L". I finally had just about everything I wanted and I finally "got IT". What God had been trying to teach me, just how easy and wonderful and fulfilling life could be, if I would let it be. Then you know what I did? I let it slip through my hands....all gone, again. To this day I have not gotten it back. I am right back at square one  repeating the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I just can't seem to get my mojo back that I had in Puget Sound.

I know God is here for me, just like He is for you. He hasn't gone anywhere, He hasn't changed. It's me. I'll get back there someday. In the meanwhile, I probably have yet another lesson, or two, to learn and when I do I will be even better than when I was in Puget Sound.

Hang in there. I am there for you in prayer and thoughts even if we don't communicate. And of course you know God is there always.

[serenity1953]

Hey, Want!
We do communicate! Right here!!!
I love your responses.
I am glad that you know that God is there for you. I know He is what brings me thorough and guides me to "life."  I would hate to count the times that I have let it "slip through my hands." But that is what is so awesome about God for me, his grace and his mercy. Because even in the middle of it I can see both of those.
It is only by keeping my eyes on him that I can "get through."  The pain is within me, not from without. My God lives within me and helps me see truth regardless of pain so I can stop repeating the same thing over and over.  This time my husband and I seemed to mutually decide not to answer the urges we have internally to defend ourselves and repeat the same old arguments. It was a matter of choice. I am finally beginning to see that this one also is within me and not coming at me.
I will be praying for you also, wth. That you find your beautiful rainbow, even better than before. I believe is is possible. Blessings, serenity

[serenity1953]

This is a good day. Thank you, Lord. Something is changing. I am changing. All around me is changing. Yesterday I lifted a glass to "New Beginnings." Love it. Love watching it happen.

[wanttohide]

Serenity,

I am happy and joyful that today you feel the change happening. Often times the change is happening, but we don't feel it. Today, you are feeling it. I will be thankful with you and for you.

[serenity1953]

Thanks, wth.
There has been so much stuck with no change happening. But this relationship is changing. Thanks for the encouragement. love, serenity

[serenity1953]

We have a major change. This subject could now be retitled " What we are learning from God about a marriage with an AD core."
1. It is still a marriage with an AD core. The truth is we are who we are. Even healed, the past will always be a part of us. Only how we respond to it will be different. And we must keep our eyes open to truth. No letting it slip into denial to "keep peace."
2. We both are discussing "What we are learning from God about a marriage with an AD core."  major change.
3. Safety issue is changing for both of us. This is major. It is gradual, and we are cautious as we move forward. But I am amazed as my husband chooses to take the risks for us to be able to grow. I am so happy for him as he gets free.
4. Emotions are still arrising but we are reacting differently. Both of us.
5. Flowing even more together in the same direction as we are able.
6. New beginnings are everywhere.
7. Learning to cherish the old; the years, the longevity, the tenacity. Cherishing everything it has taken for us to come to this place. Not the abuse in our past but what we have learned through it that makes us who we are. For that I am very grateful, Lord.

8. Learning to take one day at a time in another new beginning.

[chris]

Good job serenity. I’m glad.