Could it possibly be bipolar when. . .

[One Confused Puppy]

your moods vacillate between more or less normal (life is good, I can handle stuff, I have energy, etc.) to "LIFE SUCKS!!"

I think about "pills" but I'm not convinced that the ones I have would work.  I have a gun that I KNOW would work but I just can't imagine leaving a mess like that for my poor hubby with his bad back to deal with.

I think about Andi and her recurring thing about trains, and I know how rotten THAT makes me feel. . .

I dunno.  I am so tired of trying anti-depressants that either don't work (most of them don't seem to) or else have intolerable side effects (most do.)

My hubby asked me the other day if I had done any writing lately.  Nope.  Just not interested. I TRY to get interested in things, just to keep going - but it's hard to fake it when you really don't give a rat's rear.

Could this possibly be bipolar, and I'm going at it the wrong way by considering it regular "unipolar" depression??

[One Confused Puppy]

Andi, I don't know how you do it - your reply made me laugh and cry at the same time!  Your caring is a lifeline that I can cling to (and I promise, I won't wrap it around my NECK, no matter how wretched I feel!)

I was on anti-depressants for a while (back before JD left the board) but they didn't seem to be doing anything and I didn't see any point in paying $10 a month for nothing.  So I quit taking them and while I don't feel any better, I don't think I feel any worse, either.

There has been some tension between DH and me lately; he reacts to stress by getting irrationally angry. He explodes and says irrational things that he later regrets.  I, having been raised in an emotionally-constipated home (unable to express anger unless it reaches the boiling-over point and then - God help you - you do NOT want to be on the receiving end) I tend to just withdraw emotionally.  So this had led to an uncomfortable kind of impasse between us.  

I behave politely and do everything I am supposed to; meals are on time, balanced, and the house is tidy.  But I don't say anything beyond polite and extremely superficial conversation, and I excuse myself and go to bed as early as I can.

He finally figured out what the triggering event was; it was so awful that I had actually blocked it out of my memory until he brought it back up again.  It triggered me all over again and I have been a wreck ever since:  shaking, running to the bathroom constantly (my tummy always does this to me when I am super-upset), doing my best not to break down and start crying hysterically.

He asked me, very sincerely, to forgive him for what he said on that occasion.  He had a right to be angry, because I had done something stupid, but he WAAAAAYYY over-reacted and what he said was extremely rude and harsh.

I've never really worried about forgiving anybody before.  With my ex (aka "Himself") I finally came to the conclusion that it was between him and God, and therefore, none of my business.  If anybody does the forgiving, it will need to be God, and I would pay for a ringside seat when THAT little number goes down.

But I love my DH dearly and I want things to be OK between us.  But I don't feel that I can say, "Yes, I forgive you," while I am still feeling agonizing pain over what happened.  Doesn't it make sense that I have to square things away inside myself, to the point where I don't feel the pain any more, before I can genuinely forgive him? I am still going round and round in my poor muddled head about this.

[teresa]

I'm so sorry you're going through this topo.... I agree with Andi, I think your DH's reaction triggered you to your ex.  What I have learned is that even though we have told those around us about our triggers and responses, they are only human and will not always be able to be in control of how they respond to us... What counts or matters to me is that they are sincerely apologetic and that those mistakes don't happen often.  If they did I wouldn't be able to be with the person for very long...  This type of thinking for me, helps me reconcile things in my head so I am able to move past it and 'forgive'.....

With regards to your meds.... I would take the online questionnaire to see if you have several bipolar traits.... My old shrink used that same format that you can find online in his diagnosis session... If you are bipolar , regular (depression ) drugs can make you worse....
People with bipolar disorder can also have 'seasons' for which they get worse... Have you noticed that every Spring you experience something like this ?  My daughter was terrible from Feb through May....
Another option - could you be menopausal ?  I only suggest this because I'm going through a lot of changes emotionally and have been going through menopause for the past year... I'm going to be put on hormone therapy soon to help control my moods, etc.....

Lastly, Jo, .. if you ever really feel bad, please don't hesitate to call someone.... I will email you my phone numbers... I was in a really dark place a few weeks ago  ( I had been stock piling pills too ) ... If it wasn't for Andi and littlemitch I don't know what I would have done... No one else ( outside the forum ) seems to get it.. how painful things can get.  I started going to therapy again and we talked about suicide threats, thoughts , etc. and he told me that EVERYONE has had dark thoughts at one time or another... it's normal... I somehow found relief in that... He also said it's important to have a contract with someone.. a pact... so I'm telling you now, please use my numbers to call me if you get to that place again...  ( this goes for you too Andi ).


hugs,


t   

[teresa]

I love you...

[chris]

Tops
Ever try adderall for depression. I take half of a 20 mill. Xr a day and it use to work.

[chris]

O yea. Tell the dr you are having significant concentration issues and it hinders your ability to write which frustrates you. don’t tell him you are taking it for depression. 

[ddg]

tops- So sorry to hear you are in a bad place.

love and hugs

[One Confused Puppy]

You guys are wonderful.  I appreciate all the input.

Actually, what happened, more or less, was this:  I forgot do to something I had said I would do, and it caused a problem.  I was in the bathtub, relaxing and reading, when DH came crashing in and screamed some pretty angry, crude stuff at me.

Talk about feeling TRAPPED - couldn't flee, couldn't fight, and there was no possible defense; I was guilty as charged.

What it triggered was the bad old days on the job when I kept getting folders left on my desk with these dreadful "pink slips" on them - notes from a reviewer who had spotted and documented a technical error in my work.  Never mind that I had done a thousand things right; if I messed up on the thousand-and-first, I was toast.  If I lost that job, I would literally be on the street.  I will never forget that terror as long as I live.

I was WRONG all over again.  All the old nightmarish fears came surging back.  And I was cornered in the BATHTUB, of all places!  Trapped like a rabbit in a snare.

Relaxing in the bath with a good book used to be one of my special joys.  Now, I lock the bathroom door, don't take a book with me, and get in and out as quickly as possible. It isn't a refuge or a safe place any more.

We are gradually working our way back to a better place, but it will take time.

[Apple]

Tops. I'm sorry I missed this.

I don't know much about bipolar.  But hoping you in a better place soon

Love

[Bipolarheart]

i doubt your bi-polar.  if you take antidepressants with no mood stabilizer you'd get more manic, irritable, grandiose.

Have you looked at my suggested suppliment post in the medication thread?  some of those you can't take while on a anti depressant but if you go off them after a 2 week period you can start taking them to give them a try.

They've really helped me a lot in conjunction with my mood stabilizer.( < bi-polar).  I actually needed to stop the SAM-e cause it was switching my hypo manic a little.


You still have to rule out medical conditions like heart conditions, hormone and thyroid, conditioning of your system by exercise, and a decent diet to some extent.

The other thing is do you have enough poeple contact and don't feel lonely, of all the things in the mental-emotional health the one factor they see as primary for relief and healing is some kind of social support and contact.

with all that you could have cptsd where a long period of time feeling trauma and victimized will break your heart so deeply that it becomes organicly imprinted to our being sort of kinda....sounds like something the freaky pretzel would say.  lol


anwayz....the supplements really have helped me.  puritans pride is runnung a special now buy 1 get 2 free.....not sure if you can get that if your from europe.  but its a great deal for the US.

do the homework on the supplements...one needs a B-vitamin to insure you don't hurt yourself and one needs magnesium to work better.  and if your on a anti depressant some of those you shouldn't take at all till you talk to your doctor.