Standing up for yourself

[GettingThere (GT)]

I'm wondering how many of us
have trouble with this.  There's
huge consequences for NOT standing
up for yourself, but there's also huge
consequences FOR standing up for yourself.

I personally let things go too long
before speaking up and am working
to resolve that.  But I just hate the aftermath.

It's a definite lose to say nothing and be a doormat. 
But how many people have "trauma residue"
when they refuse to be a doormat?
I hate when that happens! 

GT

[GettingThere (GT)]

Off to have some bad dreams now as
a consequence of doing the right thing
and having the wonderful support of many people
behind me!   

Good night all! 

GT

[GettingThere (GT)]

WELL SAID!!!!!  That's it!! 

I had to report someone for sexual harassment
at work yesterday -- really bad behavior.  Total
idiot has been behaving that way for years and
years and no one has said a thing.  It's become
his normal way of communicating to constantly throw
inappropriate comments (REALLY inappropriate) into
all of his conversations. Unfortunately, all the women
where I work put up with this crap from all the guys
that behave this way.  It's gotten totally out of control.
And since when is it normal workplace behavior to give
people back rubs and neck massages when you don't
even know them? WRONG.  I sit in a place where
many people walk behind me all day -- bad enough.
You can't just then feel free to rub my back as you
walk by as way to say "hi."  I'm the only one who
complains about this.  I exploded a few times about
it already and then finally reported it formally as a complaint.
Imagine 5 or 6 people rubbing your back just because you're
there -- and that's BEING FRIENDLY AND SAYING HI!
NO, NO, NO!!!!  NO $%#$#@@ way with me, pal!
Get a clue!  Should have reported it way earlier.

Had a few nightmares last night over it,
but not too bad. 

GT

[teresa]

With regards to sexual harrassment, I think it's such a tricky area that no one seems to know how to handle it properly, or if they should, except HR people... that's been my experience.  Unfortunately, the work place is the number one place to meet people socially, for a future mate, spouse, affair, etc.  The stepping stone to 'see' if there's any interest is in flirting.  Where the problem lies is in where the line is drawn... the boundary between acceptable and normal flirting and downright sexual harrassment.  If you think about it, it's really only sexual harrassment if it's not welcomed or encouraged.... I have actually seen women on many occasions get offended if the attractive male in the group doesn't pay the same kind of attention to them as he is to others.  There are so many mixed messages going on in the workplace.  I have felt that I can't even smile at some men without them thinking I'm interested in taking it further... it encourages them when that wasn't even close to my intention.

Standing up for yourself or not being able to is fear based.  I just need to really find out what it is I'm afraid of..... I'm going through this in therapy right now.  Sometimes though, I will say, that I really only want to say something if I care... if there's a future with the other person... sometimes it's just not worth the effort.  I have no problem sticking up for myself with my husband or my children.  It's outsiders or extended family members that I have the problem with.  I envy people who have the ability to address people or confront them in a calm manner...I would give anything to be able to detach from the emotion and be able to do that.


hugs


t
         

[Bipolarheart]

I agree with GT that hands on behavior is crossing the boundary, but i'm also aspergers traits so its more sensittive with me.  Anyway the only poeple who would get away with that behavior are really good friends and poeple who know each other, unless its formal message therapy...lol

anyway you spoke up and said what you needed for your boundarys so those boundarys should not be crossed now.  Harrassment is where you've communicated those boundary's and its being ignored disrespectfully.  I also agree that at work the standards of whats talked about should be high and not degraded conversations.

[GettingThere (GT)]

Teresa,
Interesting about it being fear based.
That makes sense.  I'll have to think
about that and figure it out. 

I also think some people ARE more sensitive to "friendly"
behavior than others.  I don't mind people
calling me sweetie or hon or anything -- I am
in the South.  This guy is married, though, and
brings sexual innuendo into EVERYTHING.  I mean
even "hello."  I don't want to trigger anybody so
I'll just say that he's WAY beyond what is acceptable,
sharing bedroom details about his wife with the guys
in the workplace?  NO WAY.  And then feeling free
with the neck rubs.  GET THE #$@@# AWAY!

Honestly, I'm very isolated with this right now
because while people have told me privately
they're happy I reported him, publicly they
say nothing in support.  I am fighting a long-standing
battle alone here.  Shame on them for not helping.

So today I'm really bummed because I just
found out he's scheduled to be working in
my immediate vicinity for some time to come.
HE does the schedule.  I may have to go further
up the chain of command.  It's just so uncomfortable
to have him around me at all.  PIG.

GT

[teresa]

Bipolarheart is right about the touching boundary and that once you made your feelings known that it wasn't ok, it becomes harrassment. I would go over his head... That's unfortunate and sad that no one is supporting you openly.  That's the problem with our society today....  What if you wrote an anonymous letter about this guy   Some companies don't make you reveal yourself because they want to encourage people to report things going on in the company and feel that anonymity allows people to come forward without being afraid of some kind of backlash.....

My therapist said that my inability to speak up when I'm hurt is fear based... He's a Christian counselor so his position was; if you don't speak up you are putting the person in a position of being God, giving them that power over you.  I get that and it makes sense but it still doesn't help me from being 'afraid'.....  The only thing I can think of is that I had an abusive adopted mother who punished me for speaking out.  I either got physically abused or had my mouth washed out with soap and I think confrontation of any kind triggers that.... I'm 51 years old, I shouldn't friggin' be afraid of a stranger washing my mouth out with soap !!!!!!   


hugs,

t

[Bipolarheart]

well...another aspect....even though you have the right to get mad....do what every smart person does and control the feelings and paper push him the way your suppose to in the business world.  I have no idea if you need to get fancy with camera's or whatever, but perhaps some of the others can all come together anonomously with the legal afidavids(omg however that is spelled and whatever makes it legal..notarized?  have no idea..anywayz)....

get it documented...start paper pushing in a non emotional professional manner.

[teresa]

Thanks Andi.... yeah, that is true, I can't think when I go into freeze mode... it's not until after it's all over that I can come up with what I should have said and then it feels too late because the moment has passed....


hugs,

t

[GettingThere (GT)]

Thank you all!!!
You guys are THE BEST!!!

Fear is definitely a factor.  Remember what
would happen if you'd speak up?  Not a good
result, for sure.  Making that irrelevant now --
not so easy, Teresa, no matter how old we are.

It really is difficult to break old patterns.
So after decades of not being heard,
when you DO get a positive result and
people DO respond, it STILL doesn't feel right!

So this jerk was told to stay away from
me.  He has followed orders.  He's being very
meek and mild. He will not be removed, unfortunately,
but his behavior has STOPPED DEAD. 

Bipolarheart, great idea!  I'll have it on tape
if he says it again.  He'll be notified of it
in advance so I don't get in trouble for
recording it.

Everyone around me today that supported
me behind closed doors was a little
bit stand-off-ish.  That's not okay but I'm
not sure it wasn't just in my head either.
I wasn't exactly over friendly myself today.

They've all been waiting to see what was
inevitably going to happen when he crossed the
line with me because it was
sure to happen.  I guess they all found out.
LOL!!!  I can look in the mirror and say I took
care of myself.  I will have nightmares for
a few nights at least, I'm sure. 

And, Andi, you're right.  The good news is
that people that have NO
TRAUMA history whatsoever haven't been brave
enough to do a damn thing about this.  So while
we criticize ourselves for all of our "baggage,"
let us all remember that we are actively working
and making ourselves better than ever -- doing
things that people who have never had our
problems wouldn't dream of doing!  SO THERE!

GT

[chris]

I just think we are the only sane people of the world. Everyone is nuts.

[GettingThere (GT)]

Thanks, Andi!  YEAH!!!

And, Chris, I couldn't agree more!

[GettingThere (GT)]

Andi,
Will do!! LOL!!!!

GT

[chris]

I think what you did took a lot. Sorry I didn’t get this written previously. 
It’s hard to complain as you want to be accepted in what is usually a male work force.  I’m sorry you had to contend with him but I’m glad things are working out for you now.

[littlemitch]

Hello everyone,

This is a great resource for identifying needs, and then communicating them - sticking up for yourself.

http://www.cnvc.org/


squishes,
LM