Husband with AD...and I need some some support please!!!

[Dazed&Confused]

You're right, you're right, you're right...everything you said is right.  It is fear based.  I have read his needs her needs but not the other one.  I'll have to get that one, and read his needs her needs again.  I also just got the 12 steps for Christians...the book and workbook.  I just need to heal.  Thanks T!  I sent that song (I posted earlier) to my hubby tonight...we'll see how he responds.  I pondered and pondered if I should send it and I just did it...with an explaination that it might look familiar and it's how I've been feeling for years.  We'll see how it goes.  Counseling tomorrow night.  Pray!  ((HUGS))  Thanks for reaching out to me! 

[teresa]

Oh, you're welcome ! 
And, if he doesn't respond in the way you think he should, do not get upset... it's a woman thing and he's not going to think like you. 


hugs,


t

[Dazed&Confused]

Counselor was sick with the flu....

Need to wait til next Wednesday to meet...

[teresa]

I HATE when that happens !!!!!!!!!!   I'm so sorry......


big hug,



t

[chris]

Oh, you're welcome ! 
And, if he doesn't respond in the way you think he should, do not get upset... it's a woman thing and he's not going to think like you. 


hugs,


t

You are so on a role T. U-RAH

[Dazed&Confused]

I'm getting major mixed messages...like yesterday he got dinner for the kids and I...but played video games and ignored me...but then sent me a text later after he left and asked if I needed a hug...then when I said why didn't he ask when he was here he said cuz it's as awkward as wearing a dress to work!  LOL.  He gave me a hug good-bye today.  But its hard on my heart when we haven't even discussed his female "friend".   I'm still really hurt.      It's going to be a long way back...if he's coming back.  Sigh...is it real?  I just pulled out a brick to peek out and see...

On the good side...the week seems to be going by fast.  Tomorrow is already Friday!   

[teresa]

Dazed,

He's going to need some space too ( the video games.. ).  I think it's great that he asked you if you needed a hug. I wouldn't care that he had to do it in writing, at least he did it !     He's telling you about himself ..... You may think it's odd that he couldn't ask you while he was there but it's not odd to me... I have a really hard time being vulnerable face to face. I say my deepest things either in writing or on the phone...

As for discussing the female friend..... Ask yourself what you want to know and will it help you heal or rebuild ?  If not, let your questions go.... He may tell you more than you want to know, things that you will never be able to get out of your head... image producing things that will haunt you.  As women, we naturally want the details without thinking about how those details can be the death of our relationship building efforts.  It's like if he shared that they had lunch at the Waffle House or something, every time you passed a Waffle House, you would think of them together... I didn't ask my husband any questions about his other woman that were personal.  I don't want to know... when he started to say some things I stopped him because I know I will become obsessed over it.  I won't be able to lose the images and it will make me want to run....
Anyhow, a friend helped me see how destructive it can be talking about 'her'.......

Of course you are hurt... you're going to be hurt for a very long time.  Take one day at a time and try to meet him on his terms rather than thinking that he's not doing it the way you think he should do it.  This isn't denial, this is focusing on the positive.....


hugs,


t     

[chris]

Yea. Some people do better in writing and acknowledging that he cares any way you can get it is definitely a good thing.

[Dazed&Confused]

I just hope it's real.

We got in a big fight over this woman friend...cuz I just think it's plain wrong for a man to have a good female friend talking about problems within his marriage.  Even *IF* it's just friendship, but especially when he had very strong feelings for her in the past...and has continued to try and contact her over the years and did so again in the middle of finding someone else to attempt to hook up with.

He still thinks it's ok to talk to her!  I'm livid...and very hurt.  Now he wants the kids all weekend...news to me I thought they were just staying the night tonight.  Now he's annoyed that I'm annoyed!  LOL! 

Wednesday's meeting with our counselor seems years away!

[Dazed&Confused]

So...met with counselor on Wed.  Hubby has a girl that he knew before we were married and he was pursuing her like crazy but could never catch her.  He found her on a social networking site and has been talking to her about our marriage on the phone.  He says they are just friends and that she's a Christian woman.  I say if she's really a Christian woman who sees she is causing an issue she'd back out.  I say...I don't trust a word you are saying...based on your past.  I told him this friendship was a "deal breaker" for me.  He said "then let it be a deal breaker".  The counselor suggested he seriously consider his feelings and then be prepared to re-evaluate and discuss Monday (our next meeting cuz our conselor is going out of town).  He also said his heart isn't in it and that he faking it til he makes it.  Our counselor said she felt that she wanted the marriage more then we did.  Then this week after an argument he texted me saying he felt it was true that she wanted this marriage more then we did.  I don't agree!  How sad!  It really doesn't sound to me like he really wants this marriage to work...but more and more it looks like he's looking for a way out.  Can he not see the betrayl of wanting this single woman whom he was dying to be with as a friend...and one he's discussing my marriage with??!!!  My homework was to list all things he needed to do to show me his heart was in it...I can't wait to share it.  At the end of the list I added "if you cannot reconnect, and come from behind your wall...tell me now so we can move on". 

My kids are really struggling...please pray for them.  My son is emotional at school and having nightmares.  My daughter is a more aggressive and quiet.  They are only 8 and 9 years old.

Monday will be an interesting session...keep you posted.

[Dazed&Confused]

so very very sorry dazed.  I will be sure to send you warm thoughts.  If you can, please try to catch them.

I'm stretching as far as I can...I think I caught a few.  Thanks so much!  ((HUGS))

[chris]

I had a male friend that I was very close to until he stole a check from me. we talked about everything. We spoke every day on the phone and usually kept it from his girlfriend. She hates me, but she has other issues also. we aren’t close now, but I would never tell him he couldn’t talk to me about his issues. I’m not Christian, just an old friend. he did like me and at one time may have been for me, but I found he had issues which separated us.
Don’t know that this makes you feel any better.

[Dazed&Confused]

Met with counselor Monday night.  I stated in a very loving way...that I am going to read a letter (and my "homework" and that it's very hard to do this considering the betrayal...but I would do it anyway.

Regarding his friend that he really wanted in a sexual way...but is now friends with and talking to about my marriage.  All this after me stopping an emotional affair about to turn into a physical one with a different woman.  I told him that this friendship told me that he had a total disregard for my hurt and pain that I am going through and that it was like he was kicking me when I was down. 

After all that...he proceeded to tell me that either way someone gets hurt.  I didn't get a chance to ask who would get hurt if he wasn't friends with this woman...especially if they are just friends....next week perhaps.  Then he said he couldn't "dis" his friend and that he wanted to keep the friendship.  He knew this was a deal breaker for me...so I explained that we need to get the kids in counseling, seperate bank accounts, etc.  He said he didn't want divorce....well...he can't have it both ways.

Of course my counselor is out of town next week...so we meet next a week from Wednesday.  My husband's accountability partner/pastor is going to be asked to come.  I am able to forgive...but it takes two people who are committed...not just one.  I am setting the boundary...being the "bad" one because he'a afraid to say it.

We'll see what happens...I'm not all that hopeful!

[Dazed&Confused]

It's interesting to note that it's ok in his mind to "dis" his wife...and that if someone is going to get hurt...he chose me!   

I'm beginning to seperate myself...and I'm feeling FREEDOM!!!  This will be horrible for the kids...but maybe I'm seeing a lot less hassle with life without him! 

[chris]

Dazed, I’m not judging whether your actions are correct or not, but I do hope you are weighing the odds. I hope you make sure you can manage everything by yourself. I really think if you have not thought things through and determined how you will make it on your own, you should do this. It doesn’t mean you can’t leave him or have him leave, but if you can’t make it on your own, you should drag it out to give yourself a longer period of time so you will be fine without him.
Good luck.