I have searched for healing all my life

[Silver]

Hello, my name is mrssusie. I am almost 60 and have spend the last 24 years searching for healing from severe sexual abuse. I had a great childhood. My mom was a just a little crazy. I do not think i will ever have the capacity to understand how crazy she was. If there was a kind of abuse, any kind, i had it, over and ever again.
I have been in therapy most of the years since I started in '86. It took me 36 years to realize i was sexually abused. It has taken this long to realize and accept how incredible and psychotic my abuse was.
My trauma started when I was 2-3 months old. When the sexual abuse started as an infant, my mom could not care for me. So i was being hurt and abandoned at the same time. When I was calm and happy she could care for me. I was on my own the rest of the time. I know my mom reacted that was because the same things happened to her.
I was diagnosed with DID and PTSD in '90. Funny, it was nice to be able to admit that. I have integrated hundreds of personalities in my years of therapy. I have 6 left hat i know about. It was my use of flower essences since '90 that has made it possible for me to get this far. I am so proud of myself.
I want to change the effects of the abuse and i just realized how much this adult attachment disorder is interfering with my changing my thinking so I can heal. I make great strides so quickly because of my flower essences, i have to email my therapist frequently so she can keep up with me, and we are on the same page when i get there, Rolf.
I am so thrilled to be here. You guys are singing my song. I didn't have much trouble failing into the abyss any more, but i am currently pushing everyone away. I know i am freaked out. I can not get my middle to stop shaking.
I am very self directed in my healing because i search for healing where ever i find it. I need to be here to learn about this AD. It is seriously affecting my everyday life.
My motto has always been, "I will not let them win". I am winning, I am changing the effects of my abuse.
I have a burning question. Do I have to attach to a real person to heal?
I appreciate any replies. I plan on being a frequent poster here. I am so glad to be here. Smiling at you, mrssusie
 

[chris]

Welcome to the forum.
I don’t think it has to be a person. I found most of my freedom from my puppy. This year, he gave me the motivation to pick blackberries so I can make wine and jelly and the freedom to explore. I think having a real person to attach to is often better as they last longer and you can do more with them, but I don’t there are many of them out there. Something to bond with anything is a good beginning. Once you get experience and learn the emotional aspect, you can build to other things.
I wish you the best in your travels and hope you post some really good stuff soon.

[Silver]

Hey Chris, thanks for the reply. Can you please define good for me?

I don't seem to be able to talk to people any more. I sent my sister in law 2 emails today. Saying i wanted a relationship with her but i wanted it to be 2 sided. I got back a rant for me, starting with, "i am sick of your guilt". I was asking for a relationship and i got a rant. It makes me want to give up but then they win.
With checking symptoms i have both kinds of attachment disorder. 2 of my most powerful parts that still need healing have them. Yet i know i am my Me's. So i have both kinds of the attachment disorder.
I grew up never crying or feeling pain. My chiropractor says he believes i still only feel 5 % of the pain i really have. I remember it took me three months when i was first learning how to feel, to figure out my left heel was hurting. My therapist would ask me where i hurt and i would say i don't know, somewhere. Then she got more specific with her questions, above the waist or below. I had to take the questions home and look for the pain. It was so weird.

I have another burning question. Hmmm, I have the ability to feel pain in others. So, do others of you have this also? I have had to learn how to shut this off. I don't what to know how much others are hurting or see their pain flow out of them because it distracts me from my own healing. Gosh this makes me sound so selfish which i am not usually. People have a way of healing when they get around me because i can share my processes and techniques. Mostly i keep this gift closed down but every now and then I still feel things from my friends that i have opened to in the past. From what i was reading here this is a trait of the AD. Is this right?
I was thinking today, I am a carefully put together person. I lived to be invisible when i was a kid thru high school. It was only in my second half of my senior year i started to bloom and get more social. Since living to be invisible does not give you people skills I watched other people to find things I liked in them to take for my own personality. A way of greeting people, a nice laugh, a warm loving nature, and so forth. If i didn't like the newest thing I was trying on, i just discarded it.
then during that summer i worked and played hard. I started nursing school in September and so i moved from my home with a mom that couldn't/wouldn't see me into a school with 35 girls/women. Oh my gosh, what had i gotten myself into? I never learned how to talk to the female species. I did have some girlfriends in school but they were always the outcast kind, heck i was an outcast too.
I met my husband during my second second year of college. We were married about a year later. I am still married to this man, it will be 40 years next month.. I love him and i know he loves me but there is something missing. I am starting to wonder if he has AD too. He was born in Hawaii, and was 5 years old when the planes were flying over pearl harbor to drop the bombs. He became the enemy the next day in school at 5 years old. His other sisters and bothers didn't get into fights everyday but he did. two years after we married, he took me back to Hawaii to show off our first daughter. My husband had been in Chicago for 24 years before he went home. some of his other brothers disappeared from the family too. He has no urge to touch me even though i have repeatedly asked him. In spite of this, we had a great sexual relationship. He is 75 now. I miss any touching.
I have gotten cats, dogs, chickens, to bond with things. It never seems to be enough.
I am constantly picking unavailable women to try to be friends with. I can tell a line of BS from a guy with no difficulty but i cant not tell when a woman is messing with me. I have been hurt so much more by multiple women in my life, yet i am easy friends with men. that is probably because i had a better relationship with my dad then my mom.
I grew up with four brothers., no sisters. I was a tom boy,  . My dad worked for the boy scouts of America. He was an extrovert and when i allowed my personality out i was almost an extrovert. In the last two years i have almost completely isolated myself. I still have girlfriends i keep in touch with but we hardly get together.
the thing that gives me the most joy is singing and playing the mandolin at music jams. I have forgotten how to play the mandolin in the last few years. I picked it up last week and can not even remember how to make the chords or play a rhythm.
I read a quote my Dr Wayne Dryer a few days ago and It says, "don't die with your music still in you". For me that is so profound. I have worked so hard on my healing for so long. I am tried. I will not give up until i can get my music out.
I know i deserve a good life. I have worked my butt off to get to where I am now. I will keep going, i can do that. Little baby steps will get me a long way. Smiling at you, mrssusie
 

[Silver]

I had made huge post, didn't someone say 10, 000 words was a "normal" post? Anyways i lost it. From writing it and pouring my heart out here in it, I realize I have had so many losses recently. It is probably what makes me push  everyone away. I don't want to be hurt one more time. I can't seem to stop it from happening either. Right now I can't stop it, I will get control when i can. Right now, I need to grieve.

I just found memories about being violated so early in my infancy. I just found out my mom couldn't take care of me as a result of her abuse. I just found out that because of my father's abuse, I lost my Mommy when I was not happy and calm at 2 or 3 months. These are huge losses i have not dealt with yet. I have not given myself permission to heal these things. I just had a huge discovery about my father. I just realized in addition to being the biggest sex addict I probably will ever know, he was a psychopath. I just found out he taught me things as a tiny child. I have not given myself permission to work on this either. these are my greatest nightmares come true. What i had been dreading all along and never talked about. I am filled with so much shame. I do know this is not my shame but It is there never the less.
I also know I can't deal with all these things myself. I am going to have to turn to God, who was never there for me when I was growing up and completely surrender to him to cleanse me of things that need cleansing. I know i am not strong enough to heal all this myself. I have not given myself permission to heal this either, yet. I start spiritual counceling again the first week of August.
Well, I am listening to God now. He told me today I have already been forgiven, now i need to be cleansed. I can do that, but not yet. I will probably have to be absolutely desperate, cornered with no way to go, to surrender fully to God. I do know i am getting to almost completely desperate too. A child inside shall go kicking and screaming the whole way too. He hates God.
Thirteen days ago, we took my 13 year old dog missy to the vet to have 50 mg of barbiturates iv to put her to sleep. she couldn't stand any more. I had been waiting for seven years for this dog to die after she was given 6 months to live with breast cancer. this is probably what has brought all these symptoms to a head, as they say.
She had so many crisis thru the years and each time i would grieve so much because I knew i didn't want to lose her. She was the dream dog obedient, happy, caught balls and Frisbees AND SHE LOVED, OH HOW SHE LOVED ME AND MY HUSBAND. I have spent the last 7 years making her life good so she could die happy. She always recovered. She kept going and going. I did too. We had our ups and downs but we kept going. It happened so suddenly, too suddenly, I got up and i knew without a doubt this was the day. And she left me. I WAS NOT READY, I TRIED TO BE BUT I WAS  NOT and she had to go so she would not be in pain any more but i was not ready...

I had been realizing i had some of my recovery tied up with her. I am not surprised to hit a roadblock now. I have had so many losses recently... They just don't seem to want to stop. I can't take any more. I feel like my soul is shrieking, no more, no more pain. i DON'T WANT TO BE HURT ONE MORE TIME.         I HAVE BEEN HURT ENOUGH, DO YOU HEAR ME.       And no one ever did.
I must of had these feelings when I was a kid. I am laughing thru my tears, why didn't I see that before? Of course I had these feelings when I was A KID. I HAD LOSS AFTER LOSS WHEN I WAS A KID. I DID NOT GET TO CRY BACK THEN.

It is time to cry now. I can do that. mrssusie

[chris]

By good, I mean you cant really go wrong with A pet. Of course I forgot to feed my daughters fish this AM while she was gone but I always remember the Dog.  (thank you for reminding me even though you didn’t mean to)
I can see things from your sisters point in a way especially due to the fact she appears to have something to feel guilty about. It is up to you as to how you want to handle the next step and having AD really doesn’t have anything to do with it. I don’t believe the situation should be a who wins or who loses either. I think if you continue to pursue it from that angle, she will continuously reject your advances.
If you want try to approach it from a different perspective.                          One, you want a relationship with her. Two, no one wants to feel guilt even if it deserved. 3, her guilt whether justified or not is going to prevent you from having a relationship with her.
A possible resolution;
Write her back and apologize for making her feel guilty as you hadn’t intended to. (From what you stated you didn’t intend to, you just wanted to establish a relationship). You can explain to her that as you get older, you are realizing how important family especially she is to you. I wouldn’t tell her you are AD at this point as it would only hinder the relationship you are trying to establish. Not everything is about AD. Some things are about subtleties and respect. You likely feel the same way she does at this time. If you would like you can send the letter to me in a PM and I can look it over for you before you send it and make sure you didn’t write something that could be taken out of context. (everyone does that accidently on occasion, even people hear.)
To send to me by PM click on my name and it will take you to a private messenger that can’t be seen on the board. I will be the only one that can see it and it will also send it to my regular e mail. Click send this person a personal message and it will go to my personal message on the site.

[chris]

As far as the pain of others,
I can’t actually feel pain I don’t think. I spoke to someone after his wife past and I could feel his sorrow. I didn’t know his wife past for about a month, but I told a friend at the time that someone close to him had died and I had really thought it was his wife though it could have been his son. I know when people close to me are in physiological issues and I use to go to my friend and say that something was wrong with someone. A few times it was him, but he didn’t tell me until months later it was him. (little twit). I use to allegedly be able to see oar, or at least that what my friend told me it was. I didn’t think an in adamant object could have an oar, actually I didn’t know what it was at the time. (it was distracting at times). I also could predict events within 3 months of them happening, but not clearly and mainly just the end result(frustrating on occasion, but awesome when the dear was where I told my friend it would be.) the list could go on, but I don’t want to sound two nuts. There is a theory (or at least this is what I was told) that when you lose one sense it is possible to tap into another one. Some people are bore with “abilities” others develop them due to trauma. People have hit their heads and become psychics. I was told I could speak with a (not sure this is the right word) paranormal physiologist, but I never really wanted to know about anything. People close to me know I’m always rite and if I say something will happen it will, and I laugh about it when it does. I don’t know where you would find one. It doesn’t make you sound selfish either, you’re fine. I don’t know if it is a trite of ad either. I have only discussed this topic with one maybe 2 different members.
I’m a total tom boy, as I’m sure you have already gathered, and think boys have cooties usually, don’t worry about gender hear it doesn’t matter.
I will defiantly be friends with you girl…. My parents were den leaders and I was and to this day the first and only girl in cub scouts.  I liked the race cars in the derby.

[chris]

Sorry, had to write in 2 posts, was afraid computer would go down. There’s a storm hear. didnt want to loose everything, took a long time to write.

[chris]

I’m sorry you are having a difficult time. I didn’t realize you were on while I was answering you post. Greave all you want, we will be hear when you want to say something about it. if you don’t that’s ok also.

[Silver]

OK, I am back. I think you have another gift too, Chris. Thats being able to hit the nail on the head when you reply to a post. I have seen that over and over in my reading. I believe in confrontation, but you are good, maybe too good, grin.
One of the things that has helped me heal is to be able to sit in my pain all day if necessary, so I can let it go or that batch anyways. It is almost 6 pm here in the beautiful Ozarks. I think I have felt bad enough for today. It feels finished for now. The grieving is done.
I realize I have been feeling very trapped. By that I mean It is so hot here with the heat index over 100 and sometimes up to 110. I have some neurological problems, one of them is I can not get hot or I loose necessary functioning skills, like the ability to see things correctly, feeling bugs walking on my skin a lot or even to the loss of my independence because I get so confused I even have to give up driving because I can not pay enough attention to the things that are happening around me. The exposure to heat is cumulative.
I just stepped out side, it is cooler than it was and looked around. I was using my senses to help fill me up again after getting so much grief out. I saw a bright red male cardinal land on a small mimosa tree and his red color against the green of the tree was so remarkable, I had to smile. I looked at the hundreds of black and blue turquoise butterflies dipping their tongues, do butterflies have tongues? any way they were drinking their fill on the thousands of pink flowers on my Mimosa trees. I listened to the different birds calling, it is not quite time for evening song. The fly in has not started yet. I think I will sit outside, just this once and drink tall cool orange juice and watch as the hundreds of buzzards soar and glide as they ride the thermals before they come in to roost in the trees behind my home. I have not watched a fly in in a month. It will be relaxing and i need the peace that nature brings me. I use nature to refill my soul and it is on empty right now.
I think maybe i had another revaluation just before i sat down to write this. I had described the shaking feeling inside me. I get it when i am very upset and even when I didn't think I am upset. It has been annoying me for a couple of years now. I tried ativan, it helped some but it still came back. I do not medicate for long tern conditions. I learn to live with it.
I have not learned to live with this shaking inside, like there is alive wire open and sparking and scaring the you know what, out of a child. Hey, child, bingo! I just figured out this shaking that i have been so upset at times about is a very little child. I am not sure if she is my 2 year old or someone else. and so you know what I did, when I figured that out, I immediately put my arms down as if to cuddle a baby in my womb or a little child laying on my chest. Yup, it is is not anxiety like I have been medication myself about, it is just a tiny kid that is reacting to what ever is going on in that head or world. Awwww, the poor thing. she has been trying to get my attention for so long. I am so sorry, little one. I am here now. I feel very maternal about this one.
I was remembering yesterday I had recently sent my littles to the mountain meadow I set up so many years ago when I was getting flooded with littles and I was not coping with my busy life. I completely designed the meadow, they had all their needs met by an Indian woman who was deaf and dumb. she cared for them for years and when I went to get them all because I was ready to deal with them then, I had enough skills and energy for it. And do you know what I found, the meadow was long deserted. the tent had fallen down, the gardens were gone, no sign of even where the cooking fire had even been. It felt so deserted. I mourned for my insiders. I had sent them away and now i had lost them.
I feel like i have grieved every day for the last 24 years. I am tired. I still have so far to go.
so anyways, you will get used to my ramblings....or not, grin. I found out later all of my insiders were taken care of so well, and I had worked on their memories. they had integrated with me. they have never come back. I am glad for them their pain is healed. And my pain that they carried for me is finished. 
So now I am feeling an insider, good. I will observe to see who she is, then I will help her. Maybe we can help each other. Tired , mrssusie

[Silver]

Hello everyone, I am feeling so much better today. I really needed that grieving day yesterday. It really helped me to get back to feeling good again. I look for the good days, and treasure them. Oh, don't get me wrong. I still work on my stuff, but a day of grieving gives me room to get to new stuff.
I think I just figured out something. It is the AD that makes me want to post things in an a way that screams help me. Those posts can be like a verbal vomit. the posts feel like everything is so out of control because I am feeling so out of control. It is the parts that have the helpless feelings of being not taken care of that promote those kinds of posts. So it is good to recognize that I am feeling in control now, just because I grieved all day yesterday. I used to feel like I woulds never stop crying, now I knw it will end, no one can cry forever, the body will stop it when enough pain has been released. I also know i get rid of so many toxins that way too. 
I got two wonderful,  actually many, wonderful replies to emails i sent out when i was feeling so upset, so hurt, so alone yesterday. One is from my therapist i had in the hospital in 08 after i was hospitalized after leaving my husband. I will get to that story one day. anyways this email helped me see that i had done enough grieving for the day and it was now time to take care of me.

It is time to take some really slow deep breaths, open some of your healing aromas, and let nature and nurture help you. Take the losses one at a time so that you are not overwhelmed and build a loving memorial to each. Remember the happy times when you felt loved and in communion with the dog. Remember her as young and lively and full of life. You gave her a safe, loving home and you comforted each other. Now that you understand your mothers' pain, look for the little ways she showed you love in her own way: cooking, gardening, however. Allow yourself to accept healing for all of the personalities so you can look forward with hope. My prayers for your healing are sincere, and with others who love and pray for you, can bring about change; joy, peace, self acceptance and hope.Ellie

the other email i will post is from my regular therapist. I have been having difficulty communicating with her for a number of months. She has not been hearing me. I keep trying.
1. I HEAR YOU.
2. The final stage of grieving is creation of a coherent story of what happened.  I see this starting to emerge.
3. I accidentally deleted other email from you.  I will read it at work.
4. Tears are cleansing.  They are a gift to all who grieve.
5. Your writing is helping you grieve.
6.  See you tomorrow!
Beth

[serenity1953]

Mrssusie,
Welcome! I am glad you are here. I really love Beth's response.  I will keep all of you in prayer. You really amaze me in your compassion for others and for your self! Blessings, serenity

[teresa]

Hi mrssusie, 

As Chris mentioned, you don't have to attach to a person in order to heal.....  You have all the right things in place to move forward.  Greiving is a normal process we have to go through to grow.
I love the flower essences thing... that's what I do but in the form of oils and incense.... it totally calms me down.  Patchouli is my favorite scent and I wear it quite often.

Andi doesn't feel pain either...  I have a high pain tolerance but I do feel it so I can't relate to what you're experiencing....

I wish you the best in your journey and hope you find the support and encouragement here to help you.....


hugs,


t 

[chris]

Susie, glad you are feeling better and have people around give you support. I think we all greave at some points.
T, I didn’t know you used smelly stuff, I thought it was just Andi that did it. quit holding out on me.

[teresa]

 

[chris]

Just throwing this out here as it came to mind.
We are very attached hear to people. We don’t live in the same areas, but would help out any way we could. I just obtained a high-speed box and I’m looking forward to calling a friend out of the country from the site.