New here - not sure what disorder I might have?

[ppboy]

Hello to everyone. I found this board today after coming to the realization I may have been suffering AAD for some time. But it's complicated, I'm not sure what I may be suffering from.

I'm male, 24, live in UK. My story is long and complicated. The main thing is that since about age 12-ish I suffered social anxiety disorder, I couldn't fit in at school or make friends. This led to a suicide attempt at age 14 and I started avoiding school, due to anxiety around people. A while after this I started taking various antidepressants, then came off them. For years now I have had little social contact and have never had a job.
I had always assumed the problem was social anxiety disorder, however I could never overcome it with cognitive therapy and so on. Last year I started on another medication and have been weaning off it sue to adverse effects, and after discovering that antidepressants can cause a horrible withdrawal. So I'm going through that right now too.

What leads me to think it may be AAD is that my mother always showed a lack of empathy (and still does) which I believe is due to a medication she takes. Something that stands out in my memory is when I had hurt myself as a kid, I was crying, and instead of comforting me she yelled at me for it. I have also never met met or known my father.

Anyway - apologies for the rambling post. I am very confused right now (withdrawal side effects from my medication don't help).

How do I go about exploring this? How does one know if they suffer this? I'm not sure therapy is even an option for me as I have very little money since I don't work (I get disability benefit).

Thanks if anyone read this. Sorry for it being so long.

[teresa]

Hi ppboy,

Welcome to the forum.......I'm sorry for the struggle you're having on top of med withdrawal..... You can check out the books and articles section on the home page of the forum and start there, checking out the links, etc.
Your post was very short actually so if you feel like saying more, please do....


hugs,


t

[chris]

I collect disability as well. What you are describing sounds very familiar. My mother was the same way. I also found she was treated badly and abandoned by her parents and she was forced to live with and care for her grandmother who was a holocaust survivor. Why they would leave this to the youngest child… I have no clue.
I would go with T’s advice. I don’t have the financial means to go to a dr. for this, but even if I did, I don’t think I am at a point to really delve into it. I’m more interested in getting my life back together and seeing what happens from there. I understand I have issues, but at the same time, AD isn’t the most concerning in my life. I did experiment with a relationship, whether it works or not I have no clue, but im also not going to beat myself up over it…… not rite now any way.
Hope you enjoy the forum, feel free to ask as many questions as you wish and welcome.

[Silver]

 ppboy, hey good going with the post and welcome. Wow, can i ever relate to being yelled at because i had hurt myself. that never should have happened to either of us. I just got here too. anyways, just wanted to let you know I am reading and supporting you. smiling at you, mrssusie

[ppboy]

Thanks for the replies I will check out the links and articles.

I'm not sure quite what else to say but, I'm very messed up and worried the last few days. I've been looking back over my life seeing if AAD fits me, and in many ways it does.
Chris - that sounds similar to me, I am really not in a good place to delve into this too. But I wish it didnt concern me so much. Since finding out about this, I have this sense of...who am I? Ive been looking back on my life and thinking "god, i hate myself, I'm abnormal". It's something I really dont need right now because the medication withdrawal is painful enough...the symptoms include depression, anxiety, lack of motivation etc
Anyone have any advice on how to not beat yourself up over it? I mean I really hate myself, even though logically I know I shouldnt. My life has been one big mess since my teen years (more caused my medications than anything else I suspect) and just seems to get worse. I have tried to do the right things and live an ok life as best I can. Relationship wise...I' gay, have had 2 partners so far. First one was a disaster, I told a lot of lies which I feel very ashamed of myself for. Second partner, he was very loving, we stayed together about 3 years. Things were better with him. Didn't work out because I felt we were holding each other back in certain ways. We're still friends.
I only have one other friend, who I never properly connected to, and see very rarely.
Meh, complicated 

mrssusie - thanks, I'm glad you could relate. It's horrible isnt it. The memory of it still hurts me a bit.

[teresa]

ppboy,

I know the same things don't work for everyone but coming here was enough for me to stop beating myself up over my struggles.... just seeing that there are others struggling with the same things, sometimes worse.  I also realized that EVERYONE has issues.  No one is excluded from that.  I used to think that my abusive adopted mother was 'perfect' because she always reminded me that I could never or would never live up to her expectations.  She hid her afflictions by volunteering at the church, the VA hospital, reading to blind people, becoming an award winning opera singer, never using credit cards, always having savings, being a wonderful cook and seamstress, etc.  My youthful mind didn't process that something was very wrong with her for abusing me... She made me feel as though I deserved all of it, and I believed her, because after all , how could someone like 'her' do anything wrong.  It wasn't until I was in my 40's that things came together and I realized how messed up she was.... far worse than me.  I learned to like myself even though I don't volunteer or sew or read to the blind, overdraw my checking account and use charge cards  etc.   She made me feel guilty for telling counselors that she was 'mean' to me... telling me and convincing me that I manipulated them.  I believed her over everyone..... after all , she was my 'mom' and knew me best.  I'm 51 and she still verbally abuses me.  I know now that it will never end so I've learned to limit my exposure to her and that it's ok.  I don't need her in my life.  I beat myself up enough on my own.
I've learned to adapt to my issues and openly talk to my adult children and my husband about my issues.  I've developed a warped but useful sense of humor.  That's what's worked for me... I think of those who have it so much worse than me and am thankful that I don't have to deal with their struggles....
Give yourself time and be patient... this is all a process.  Give yourself credit for being in tune to who you are.  A lot of people don't even know as much as you do about themselves.....


hugs,



t   

[chris]

I’m not sure this is a response you will be looking for ppboy and I do agree whole heartedly with T that different things work for different people. To add to it I think one way to stop hating your self is to look toward the future and establish yourself a new. I’m not saying you won’t hate yourself or even your actions totally. I think at times even the most stable person hates something they did or didn’t do. Unlike us, they just don’t tell anyone, or only their closest friends. In our case, we have few people really close to us there for we use this site as substitute physical (not meaning sexual) friends.
I don’t currently hate myself and I haven’t for a while. I can’t pin point why as I have a lot going on but I guess its not important. At present, I’m re building. I’m actually rebuilding frequently (like every week or so). Things fall apart and I start over. I have not had two full weeks of holding on to everything, but for some reason it isn’t currently bothering me. (Yea.. I’ll probably fall apart at some point).
I think the first thing you should focus on is your withdrawal. I went through that with kolapin and it wasn’t fun. I didn’t even like the drug, but I felt like I had to have it. it made me sick and stupid when I took it, but I wanted to take it anyway.
When you want to, begin making future plans. Did you graduate high school, did you go to college, and are these things that you are interested in? if so, there is a good place to start. There are plenty o0f online schools so you can stay in your home.
What are your interests? If you take steps into the world you may find you have more interests. That’s kind of where I am now. I met a guy and while it may not be right for me, I’m going out and at least getting people knowledge. I go to the gym and I met a very nice lady that lifts weights. That is unusual and awesome at the same time. I have a puppy so we go adventure hunting frequently. I have been shooting all by myself and that’s something I haven’t done since 2006. I think I got back to where I use to and or want to be in some respects.
Any way… don’t have too much time lots to do, will write tomorrow.

[Silver]

Hello again, Hey, hang in there. I know self hatred. We can change our thinking one baby step at a time. I no longer hate myself either, I have worked long and hard on this.  You can change this with help. Just keep writing.
The memory of my mother leaving me cry when i was being molested is a relatively new one. I knew it was a very powerful force in my developing life. I really have so much trouble wrapping my mind around it. I just do not get it.
Anyways, the things you wrote later in this thread help me understand my older brother. I can see him with this disorder also. I am feeling pretty sad about all this. So much hurt in all of us. We all speak the same language too. So anyways, just wanted to know I am still with you and sending strength and hope. Smiling at you, mrssusie

[ppboy]

Thankyou so much for the replies, it has really helped reading your stories.

You're right Teresa..seeing that others are struggling in the same way does make you realize you're not so alone and abnormal. I realize, reading these posts and others, that others have suffered much worse than me. I've always had this sense of alienation from the world...as if I'm the "worst" person there is - totally illogical of course because I know others suffer much worse.
I can kinda relate to what you said about your adopted mother. I realize my mother is more messed up than me and in a way that brings a sense of peace - I've stopped blaming her since. I limit my exposure to her too. It's hard to put into words but it's kind of a lack of empathy that defines her. She is always right and everyone else is always wrong. I think since leaving home I did learn more than what she knows about how to behave in a social situation (like the neccesity to be sensitive to others feelings and needs).
Thanks for what you said about being in tune with who you are...people always seem to pick up on this with me. I think it may be down to practicing mindfulness, or just that I tend to over-think everything 

Chris - thanks for those questions, they made me have a little think about it. Meds really do suck...I have been using a withdrawal support forum and it appears that with SSRI meds the withdrawal effects can last quite a long time. But that's a whole other topic in itself.

mrssusie - I am sorry about your traumatic memory. I feel sad about all this too, to know there are so many of us carrying so much hurt. It's sad but kind of liberating to know we aren't alone. Thanks to the Internet people like us can at least support each other.

One question I wanted to ask - does anyone know, if it is normal to not have many memories of before a certain age when you were a child? My memories are totally confused, partly because of the medication withdrawal (memory loss is another symptom), but before this my memories were vague anyway.

Once again thankyou to everyone, and best of luck in dealing with your own struggles.

[teresa]

Hi ppboy,

My mom is missing that sensitivity chip too.... she has absolutely no empathy for me whatsoever yet she will take a homeless person home with her to clean him up and feed him..... it's amazing to me.  She will also only really talk to me when my life is perfect.  When I was younger and had drama she literally told me that she didn't want to hear it.. she couldn't handle it.  WTF is that about  ??   Anyhow, what it taught me is that I could never count on her for anything, including emotional support... I've let go of that need.  It is so liberating..... !
Hang in there... things will get better.....


hugs,


t

[chris]

PPboy. Im glad I was able to give you something to contemplate.
T
Did you feel really alone or isolated when you gave her the boot.

[teresa]

Chris,

When I was younger I felt more alone and isolated.... I do somewhat now but it's not her that I'm missing in my life...


ppboy,

I don't have many memories at all prior to junior high school..  it's all very vague.  I remember specific instances prior to that but only down to about elementary school....


hugs,


t 

[Silver]

So What IS in a name, well for me, it sets the tone of who a person is,
Since we can not see you, I am wondering in anyone else has picked un the derotory nature od this name,
not much breath,but i hope you will be allowed to add something to it, like "no more"
when your ready. if you dont think well of yourslelf, how can any one else, especially on the internet
caring,mrssusie

[wanttohide]

Hi ppboy,

I just want to welcome you here too.

I don't have many memories of my childhood either. I occasionally will have a flashback. Sometimes the flashback is good, sometimes not so good. And good memories I have, I cling to like they are the very breath I need to live. My mother was very abusive as well....when she gave me any attention at all. Most of the time she just ignored me. My father was physically present, but very passive and allowed my mother to abuse.

I am on medication as well. But I am not on meds so much for the emotional issues...at least I don't think I am. I have very bad, and chronic migraines. So my doctors have me on anti-seizure meds to prevent my daily migraines.

Some here on the forum have suggested that I begin to see a trauma doctor. I plan on doing this as soon as I get moved and get my insurance changed. I am in the process of moving. Maybe with some help from the right kind of doctor my physical symptoms will get better.

I completely understand low self esteem. In fact, I am about to begin a new topic about what I am going through right now in my weird head....
So hang in there, ppboy, maybe all of us here can support one another. "Regular" people don't live inside our brains and therefore don't have the ability to understand the chaos we go through. It's not their fault, it's just the way it is. But we are "special". We "get" each other. 

Afton

[chris]

I give you props for the name. you got to have a set.