Shelia

It is great to have this online support. I have read many of your stories and yes we can all relate. I have 5 adopted children diagnosed with RAD. (Sorry but my story may be long in order to cover each, because each are different) My husband and I have 8 children total, 6 of whom are adopted, 2 are my stepsons from his previous marriage. We had custody of my husbands sons and were experiencing the ups and downs of all blended families but nothing as serious as we were about to embark upon in the adoption of the next six….When I found I could not have children we pursued the adoption idea after hearing of two darling little girls adopted from Brazil and after a visit to a local adoption picnic we saw many more children in need of a home….so we were hooked….and away we went to Brazil in 1989 adopting an 8 and 9 year old sister group, I will call SA and SO and the NEXT year a newborn, I will call "K" (born to Guatemalan parents illegally here) and then the NEXT year a set of brothers, E and J ages 8 and 9 from Colombia. Even though we were having bizarre behavior and definite behavior problems from especially the boys, we were of the thought it was because they were older and abused physically in their countries and over time they would get better with love…..the signs were there but we did not know about RAD…..so in 1996 we again adopted a little girl "JQ" from Guatemala….. She was 5 years old. As I write this in 2000, the SA and SO are 21 and 19 and after in comparison to their brothers E&J, their RAD symptoms have been pretty mild, as you will see.

Both girls told of their sexual and physical abuse early in the adoption after they could speak English. Their unnormal fear of their new Dad made it evident something happened. I am a Criminal Justice major in College and had had 9 years volunteer work in the community working with sexual offenders and sexual assault victims. So I thought I could handle this. The abuse was from their older brothers and father in the Amazon. SA suffers with fetal alcohol syndrom and some mental retardation and learning disability but emotionally she is laced with depression, promiscuous behavior beginning at 14, self esteem problems, psuedo seizures with demonic overtones, bulimia and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. At 21 we have survived (thus far) and she is now on her own, (only 4 blocks away) because her constant promiscuous behavior was affecting the others….and sometimes threatening to the family when she would pick some rather abusive and crazy individuals….but through special education and social rehabilitation benefits we have had some help in maintaining her employment through handicap benefits ( 4 employment places thus far) and we help her maintain her finances…..but her promiscuous life still exist and I am better off not knowing…..she still suffers the depression and seizures…..these are the most bizarre things you have ever seen. She actually hisses and spits and foams at the mouth when you mention God or prayer or any religious thing related…..doctors are puzzeled and try to diagnose it….as Turex’s, but one emergency room doctor took me to the side and said "this is off the record, but I have given your daughter enough valium to stop an elephant from seizuring and it is not phasing her…..I would be interested in finding out what really is happening because somethings are not medical ….." boy did that make me feel good, so we called a priest to do an exocism in the home but he wouldn’t even touch her. He said he would pray for our family…and he suspected her to be influenced by the tribal religion of the Amazon called Macumba…. But the seizures are now few and far between now and we have even ignored her and suddenly the seizure will stop…..just a convincing control act….but powerful to fool the doctors.

Now for the 19 year old, she is the more normal….a sweet disposition, Barbie doll, who is fine as long as everything is in control…she follows the rules and is very helpful with the others but suddenly in the summer at her first summer job in a hospital, she was 16, she claimed she was raped at her work place twice by the same group of men….it was very bizarre, no evidence was ever found, she could not recognize them nor would she cooperate with the authorities….she shut us off and wouldn’t speak for two months (it was unbeknown to us at this time that her younger brother E was molesting and raping her in her sleep at night and because of her past sexual abuse she was not able to separate the two so she hallucinated, I will get to E…later)…she has a son now from her first love affair(least of my worries) but when she found out she was pregnant we had episodes of hallucinations, severe depression(understandable), total rejection of the baby, suicide threats…..but all along she has always been the kind of child who "sees black when you see white"….her perception is definitely out of wack. I am thankful for the "Lighthouse" where she stayed with other unwed mothers trying to hide her situation from her friends at school….there she got some mandatory counseling for the first time (she always refused saying she was fine) and this helped very much…..she learned to miss us for the first time and after the most wonderful yet horrible Christmas Eve when our grandson was born and she actually gave him to a foster mother for adoption ( my most devastating experience ever, she was 19, her decision, not ours, and because of her emotional fragililty, we were advised to let her do as she wanted)…..but for a happy ending after seven days of actually grieving his loss….she asked to bring him home…It has been a wonderful decision… ….. so far living at home and now accepting her new baby, she is showing attachment for the first time…a good mommy ..almost normal…but who knows what the future may bring. I pray for our grandson…..and we are trying many attachment techniques…yes, as a mother she is afraid he will have attachment disorder inherited from her and due to the situation with his father (another attachment disordered child). I think it is an accomplishment that she can understand her problem…

Both boys from Colombia were ages 8 and 9 when we adopted them. We knew they were physically abused but neither admitted to any sexual abuse and were quick to deny it. But through the years their behavior was laced with many discipline problems, (friends told me they are just "real" boys), suspensions, detentions, refusing to learn or do school work, lying, manipulating, triangulation(quadrulation….quentulation you name it they could have the whole family in turmoil) destruction of property, blaming others, oppositional. These applied to E and J. In 1996 both boys were caught playing "mommy and daddy" with our 5 year old daughter, (new borne adoptee). So knowing this is not normal, immediate family counseling was started. It was deemed the boys were so immature that they were probably Ok. Both denied any past abuse and promised it wouldn’t happen again, but the VIGILANCE started that year and I never left them alone with the little girls again, however, I did leave the older sisters in charge. It was unbeknownst to me that by that time, both boys had programmed each of the girls to thinking each was the only victim and that they would be in big trouble if they told….it was unbeknownst to me that all the respite care from our friends, the absolute open door rules, no girls and boys in bedrooms together….was doing no good….that in the life of a true sexual predator he only needs "seconds" to offend especially if the victim is programmed. Still at this time we didn’t know of RAD….so the summer from hell, I call it…1997…..on a return trip from a vacation Ernesto pulled a horrible trick on his father on a 70 mph interstate almost getting him killed…..and he laughed…..so in agreement with the counselor and E and us we sent him to the Omaha Home for Boys in Omaha NE( I highly recommend this for those who realize you have done what you can, it is structured, behavioral modifications, schooling, independent living skills, tutoring, supplies all needs, psychological if not severe, regular schooling and even college support if they pass the program and it is "donations" only…check it out, it was our salvation) yes, a salvation until 5 months later E was transferred into State custody for "improper grooming techniques and inappropriate sexual boundary issues" with OTHER boys…..I was really shocked despite the fact I knew of only one sexual abnormality at home was his quiet infactuation with me….he always was touching me inappropriately and making ‘gooey’ remarks about how I dressed…..this was approached in family counseling as a "common crush of adopted sons" and for me to just brush him off firmly reaffirming a "mom’s hug" to him…so I did….but in Omaha some of the phone calls got bizarre…with statements with great sexual overtones….I reported it thinking he was around a lot of boys without girls there and this was causing it….but when he made the statement he was sick everyday thinking of me " a knot in my stomach, Mom" and " I would really like to make love to you" in conjunction with his inappropriate touching of the other boys and statements to them….they removed him….it was only at the grace of God that we got the state to take over his custody, and through our years of family therapy the counselor feared a severe case of Oipedus Complex and it needed researching….so that we did and two group homes later, more sexual harassment charges at the high school he was transferred to a adolescent sexual offenders program….it was so hard to accept this…was he this bad?………yes and worse than bad…..he opened up to offending all our daughters and his brother J and even past sexual activities in Colombia with sisters…..and to over 100x voyerism acts where he had rigged a peep hole to our bathroom where he watched me shower every morning (he always insisted in getting his shower very early before me and we were only two up…) HAS ANYONE ELSE HAD THIS EXPERIENCE? It has really messed with my mind…..especially when he said "If only Dad, were not in the picture, you would want me, Mom."

While all of this was going on J was again having the same above behaviors only laced with pychotic episodes of shut downs, manic outbreaks, running away, suicide attempts, severe depression, thinking people were out to kill him, fire setting, and knife pulling. He was loving and constantly asking for forgiveness for his behavior. He was in full time counseling, full time psychologist and hospitalized in children’s psychiatric hospital at least three times…..it was with him that we discovered the RAD diagnosis and through the help of the KC Attach, and education I saw what we had been up against and maybe some hope with this one, because he was so willing to be with us and didn’t want to go…he had all of us even the professional fooled that he was not offending during any of this time. It was constantly addressed. He only spoke of the episodes in Colombia and the first incident in 1996 and that he was sorry and he would never do it again.

We tried all the parenting techniques, the paradoxials, the training for the battlefield tactics, you name it and it seemed to work for a while…..but it still did not make our house safe….many a night I locked the girls and I in our bedroom while J raged outside….borderline from me calling the police….it was all mind games at first, no physical violence……so we started the much wanted holding therapy…..it took six major volitale holds for J to open up to the abuse by his brother in our home and to his past abuse by uncles in Colombia…..we are talking full anal penetration……then the clincher was when he admitted to sexually abusing the little girls as recently as the day before,,,,,,,,it was 1999 three years later from the first known incident. That last hold was so hard for J he went into the most violent rage, the holders lost their grip and he went for my arm biting me so deeply, it took 8 months to heal……the holds had to be stopped.

He admitted to only touching one of the girls the day before but I sensed there was more. We did not even after this want to give up….we were tying to do the therapy right…the holding therapist were not pushing us but were there for us….if it were only a recent episode triggered by the holding and retraumatization then there may still be hope. It had been over two years that J had been in SRS custody but staying at home. We had went along with the system of trying to keep him home. I even convinced them to pay for the attachment therapy. I did my homework and sold it to the director of our area. But we were all apprehensive that day……..this was different now…..

We were told we could do "line of site" with J and it was our last resort…he had to literally go the bathroom with his dad, sit in front of me when I was on the phone, hands in visible view. I felt like a warden…..(I had anyway) so we tried for three weeks, he cried for us to keep him, we kept the coaching words going that we were going to try, but unbeknownst to us it was so severe, but I think J knew we would find out. The anxiety was too much for the sexual addict he was and after a violent episode over J "not cutting the grass the way his father wanted", he assaulted his father for the first time without warning. His eyes were wild, J was no longer J. He was too much to handle, too dangerous. So we called the police and they took him away. Away for good……

It was after J was gone for two months we were still not sure it was for good but then one day when the girls felt safe they began to talk…neither one knew they were a victim…...For three years my little girls were threatened and programmed for touching even in front of my eyes, while playing Nintendo in my own bedroom (remember I never left them alone) …episodes in the wee morning hours of masturbating and raping all of them as they slept threatening them when they awoke and we were all asleep(we added locks too late because we didn’t know RAD kids, and thought our midnight bed checks were sufficient)and they did it in front of us under blankets while watching TV….episodes of towels tied over their eyes so they couldn’t see, full penetraion (RAPE)……my vigilant world ended…..my life almost ended……the attachment therapist worked so wonderfully with our family….at first we knew nothing of the gruesome details stated above until J was gone from the house for two months, until the two little ones could feel safe to tell us….the whole details. I was amazed at their matter of fact feelings……

….. now it has been 13 months; we pressed charges against our own sons for the abuse on their little sisters…..we are still awaiting trial….the unfortunate piece is that the system is so slow. Now both boys are 17 and 18 and have offended again in the level 6 (strictest containment facilities and psychiatric wards) at least 4 times each…..J has at least 4 assault charges one including a horrible bite on one of the staff similar to the one he did to me in the holding.

K and JA are loving little 9 and 10 year olds. K is said to be definitely attached to us. She was the one adopted as a baby. She was the one I protected the most, my world of control ended when I learned of her abuse, I was devasted to have let her down. Ironically she loves her brothers and is sad for their loss, but she will definitely tell you she doesn’t want them to live with us again. She through counseling now can articulate she is a victim of her brother who also was a victim when he was in Colombia…..she seems to understand but her life is changed. But then there is my youngest and newest adoption, JA, she is 9 and has been diagnosed with RAD only because in the holding therapies she would run around the room tearless and unaware and attached to the event….she seems loving and only seems to be proned to lying sometimes and manipulating others, but nothing as serious as the others. She responded well to the holding but now we both seem traumatized by it and only do the soft holds. But after the first three months, the holds became more controlled. I feel it is successful with her and maybe our salvation.

As far as my husband and I we have been in this together. Our bedroom was our bunker through all of this and still is. He supports me and I support him. He worries more about me though, rightfully so because I am the one on antidepressant, and and anti-anxiety pill. I was obsessed with learning and trying to save these children. I had to let go…..but my therapist says I still have a ways to go. I suffer PTSD, when I cannot control things, it affects me in everything I do. I have lost confidence in myself and fear failure in the smallest of matters…..but with time maybe I will be OK. My husband and I have faith God has been with us. But I still break to tears and ask why sometimes, but not as often as before…….

I had to write this story to maybe help others. I have experienced different kinds as you can see. I do have some resources and experience. Feel free to email at kbaker@kc.rr.com to Shelia

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